dandelion soup

Dear Future Husband

2012-01-16T00:07:00.002-06:00

Something that you should probably know about me is that I need medicine to make me into a real person. Mood stabilizers, and anti-depressants, and stimulants, among others. If you like me well enough to want to marry me, then you know this already. Something that may not have occurred to you, (it didn't occur to me until quite recently) is that in order to have biological children, I'll have to go off of these medications for a significant chunk of time before I can safely get pregnant. Not to mention the nine-ish months of pregnancy, and however long it takes to breastfeed. (I know a woman that had seven children so close together that she was breast-feeding at least one child for almost eleven years straight.) I've always wanted to be that wife for you, future husband. The one who is barefoot and pregnant. My question is this: what if you marry the woman you think I am, and then we want to have a baby, and so I go off of my meds, and you meet this other woman, the one who is sad, and emotional, and angry and mean, and you don't love her the way you love the medicated me? And what if you want to have seven children, and I have to breastfeed for eleven years and you forget why you ever loved me in the first place?

Future husband, will you still love me if we have to adopt our seven children, and they don't look like you?

10 Things I Wish I Could Tell 10 People: Redacted

2012-01-15T23:45:00.002-06:00

1. They may have pretty faces, but you are beautiful. The more I know you, the more beautiful you are to me.

2. I know you try your best, but that isn't good enough anymore. Can't you just try a little harder?

3. She's a dog, she doesn't speak English! And not only is she a dog, she is a good dog, and she is my dog. (If you had someone you loved as much as I love her, I would at least pretend to like them.)

4. Why don't you talk to her? Stupid boy.

5. I'm afraid you'll give up on me, just like everyone else who has tried. Please don't?

6. Why not this? Why not something good?

7. Call your mother, she worries.

8. The most painful thing I will ever have to experience, I have already experienced, and you are behind me now.

9. I can't afford this.

10. Suck it up. You're capable of this.

I am her person.

2011-12-15T09:47:00.005-06:00

Today I made the mistake of opening an article from the Charlottesville, VA SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals: the local pound) entitled "The Twelve Saves of Christmas." I naively thought this would be an article about twelve animals that had been adopted. The first animal that I read a little story about was Blue, a charming pitbull pup that needs a home. What?! NEEDS a home?? Crap. What have I done?! While I have a little rant stored up about how SPCA videos are cruelty to humans, I was completely sucked in.

Almost three years ago now, I adopted a pitbull from the closest no-kill SPCA. Her name is Lovely and she is my baby, my best friend. I cannot even begin to tell you what a difference she has made for me. I saved her life, and she saved mine.

When I started looking for a dog in January-ish of 2009, I had no idea why I was doing it. I'm not really a dog person. I never have been. I kept thinking to myself "Kendra, why are you doing this? You don't even LIKE dogs," but I kept looking. I met many very very sweet dogs, dogs who don't shed a lot, dogs who don't jump on you, dog's that don't yip, completely lovable dogs, but I wasn't impressed. At least I had the good sense to know that I couldn't bring home a dog that I wasn't completely over the moon in love with, so I kept looking even though I was meeting SO many good dogs. I knew they deserved someone who would love them more than I could. I began to wonder if I was wasting my time on this search, but something told me to keep at it. I came home from the Nelson County SPCA one day and started looking up the animals that were available for adoption on the internet. My head told me this was the stupidest attempt so far. "Kendra, you cannot choose a dog based on a picture on the internet," I told myself. And then i saw Lovely's little doggy profile. This was her picture.

Right?! When I saw it, I was smitten. "Kendra!" I told myself, "you cannot choose a dog based on a picture on the internet!" So I went to meet her in person. I got to the SPCA, and I looked for her, but she wasn't in her kennel. I was so nervous that someone had already adopted her, or that she was sick or something awful, so with shaking hands, I offered the picture I had printed from Lovely's profile to an employee, and said "I was hoping to see this dog." The girl got a HUGE smile on her face and exclaimed "Lovely!" It turned out, Lovely was so scared of people that they kept her in the manager's office when groups of people were visiting. (like the group of schoolchildren that were, at that moment, tromping around the grounds)

The employee warned me that she wouldn't be very social with me, but I didn't care, i just wanted to meet her. When she came out to meet me, she was terrified. She wouldn't look me in the eyes, she wouldn't let me touch her, in fact, she was choking herself with her collar pulling on the leash trying to get away from me. But from the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the reason I had been looking for a dog. This dog needed me. And I didn't know it at the time, but I needed her. We desperately needed each other.

I couldn't take her home that very day, and for the few (utterly miserable) days that followed, I wasn't sure if I could take her home at all. There were issues with the insurance and owning a pitbull, (which I had been completely unaware of, as naive as I am.) I also needed to have a vet ready, which I didn't. And the icing on the cake, I didn't have the money to pay for the adoption fees and for the essentials needed when bringing home a new dog. I thought my heart would break.

Then the miracles started. Our insurance agent was retiring in a few days, and my mom went to ask him what kind of restrictions were placed on owning a "dominant breed" of dog. His answer: just don't tell the new agent. If she bites someone, the insurance will pay the claim, and then drop us, but as long as that doesn't happen, it really doesn't matter. He wasn't going to tell anyone. My friend Heather recommended a vet, so I was good there, and then, like manna from heaven Heather said the words, "If you're SURE that this is your dog, then I'll help you get her. I'll pay the fee."

Lovely was mine. I was Lovely's. She is my dog, and I am her person. I belong to her. It took me two years to pay Heather back for the money she spent helping me bring Lovely home, but I know that I can never truly repay her for what she did for us, for me and Lovely. My life took a sharp turn that day. I became responsible for another living being, and it changed the way I live my life. I am a better person because of this dog, and she is a well-loved, affection-craving, almost-social animal now, almost 3 years later. My heart, and my home are full.

I cannot adopt this dog, Blue. Not today, and not any time soon. I wish I could save them all, one at a time, but I can't. He is a living, breathing, loving creature of God, and maybe you, or someone you know can make a home for him. This tiny little blog with a hundred and nine readers is my only voice, and I needed to speak about this. This dog deserves a story like Lovely's. Will you help me spread the word? Post it on your facebook pages, your twitter, your blogs. Tell your friends, show them Blue's story! I know that they are out there, and maybe together, we can find the person that is meant to belong to Blue.

http://caspca.blogspot.com/2011/12/twelve-saves-of-christmas-first.html

cleaning the church building

2011-11-12T09:55:00.006-06:00

My very favorite part of volunteering for this service is washing down the big glass doors. Why? Because you can see the handprints and the noseprints of the little toddlers who aren't strong enough to open the doors yet, trying to escape. I love it.

In other news, 11ish pictures of the number 11, taken last night (11/11/11) on my phone! Sorry for the picture quality!

Dear Future Foster Children,

2011-10-31T21:29:00.001-05:00

I will take you trick or treating.

love, Miss Kendra

Oh My Goodness!

2011-10-26T12:06:00.001-05:00

I have just discovered that I have 100 followers! I remember vividly when I only had 3. Thank you all so much, I love you!

I feel like posting a little bit of my art.

2011-10-22T02:50:00.004-05:00

A Bento Box

2011-10-16T00:48:00.005-05:00

So after working on this gift for over a year, I finally managed to accomplish my goal and finish my first quilt ever! It ended up being quite a bit larger than I intended, and I think I ripped out a thousand stitches before I got it right, but this may still be the most satisfying thing I've ever done!

Things I Learned
1. How to use a seam ripper
2. That it is difficult to make a quilt look random when it isn't
3. It is very hard to make a quilting machine make a circle
4. How to make a mitered corner
5. Measure three times, cut once
6. It is only almost impossible for me to keep a secret
7. Sticking yourself with a pin hurts
8. It's worth it

The Plan:
The execution:

The Result:

don't worry

2011-10-13T00:04:00.002-05:00

I have an amazing blog post coming! I can't reveal too much, but it will be the unveiling of a labor of love. Miss Erin, I know your birthday was months ago now, but you will understand when you unwrap your gift.

part three

2011-09-13T00:24:00.005-05:00

16. my ambition to become a mother
17. my ability to be honest with myself
18. my appreciation for the human being
19. my cheery demeanor
20. my love language
21. the ability i have to heal others through touch
22. my hug

(part two)

2011-08-31T16:10:00.004-05:00

this is a very difficult task, i don't know if i can do it.

12. the history of my hair
13. my sci fi tendencies
14. my love for saige, charlie and cadence
(edit)
15. my persistence (knowing something is difficult but not giving up :-p )

A Healing Exercize

2011-08-28T20:36:00.003-05:00

101 Things That I Would Not Change About Myself (part one)

1. the color of my eyes
2. how intensely I love people (even when it sucks)
3. the compassion that I feel
4. the number of people tucked inside my suitcase heart
5. my handwriting
6. my singing voice. i would not change it for better or worse.
7. my determination to improve
8. the ability I have to empathize with others
9. the courage I have to wake up every day and get out of bed
10. the freckles on my shoulders
11. the way autumn smells to me

mrrrrooowwwlll

2011-08-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

"no offense, but..."

2011-07-23T18:53:00.002-05:00

So tonight I drove for 90 minutes to spend 15 of those minutes with a friend. I didn't mind doing it. I figured it would break up my night, and make me feel needed, which is always nice for me. I was low on gas, trying to decide which gas station to stop at when I mentioned that gas stations make me uncomfortable, and the response I got was, "As many things do."

Even though I was a little uncomfortable with his statement, I laughed it off, saying "not THAT many things bother me... just some." his response was to list a few of the things that get under my skin, people, the dark, gas stations, the police. Even though the list could have been a great deal longer, and he stopped short of public bathrooms, grocery stores, buses, and having people walk behind me, his words hurt. Quite a lot more than I would have imagined for such a seemingly harmless exchange. The tears stung as they welled up in my eyes, but I did not allow myself to cry there in the car with him.

Why did what he said bother me so much?

Here's what I think. I think I was abused. I had gasoline poured over my head, and a lighter flicked in my face, another human being threatening to send me up in flames. Is it seriously surprising that the smell of gasoline makes me want to puke? But hey, I deal with it. I go to the gas station and I pump my gas like any normal, undamaged person. Who cares if gas stations don't make me happy? Is that justification to point out the many other things I'm afraid of for similar reasons?

I walk my dog in the dark, I go grocery shopping, I use public restrooms, hell, I get up in the morning and leave my house and talk to people. I function. I am dealing with what I went through.

I am healing. And I think I'm doing a pretty darn fine job of it, thankyouverymuch.

Dearest Children

2011-07-22T19:39:00.006-05:00

Charlize,
You are about to start kindergarten, and you are learning to write your name, and anything else anyone will spell for you. You LOVE to write. I hope this lasts. You love to have your hair done, and to get dolled up and look pretty! And you always have me take a picture of your hair so that you can see it. I love that I get to play with your hair!
Charlie, you are very shy around new people, and I worry about you and starting school. What if when the teacher talks to you, you stare blankly ahead, pretending you are a statue, like you do to anyone you don't know? Or, let's be honest, to anyone who says or asks something you don't like. I worry that I have not prepared you enough for what's to come. I know it's not entirely my job to prepare you, but I feel like I have been a significant part of your life thus far, and I just hope I have been a good influence. What do you think? Do you know that you are loved by me? Do you feel important, even though you were afraid of being the middle child? Do you feel smart, and pretty, and capable? Because you are, so much of every one of those things! You are SUCH a special girl, and I wish I knew that the world would treat you that way, forever and ever. You have changed my life, for the better.

Love always,
Aunt Kendra

Saige,
You are SUCH an amazing boy. Sometimes when I see other little boys, even the good ones, I am reminded of how very lucky we all are to have you in our family. You gripe sometimes, but what little boy doesn't? What I really want to know, is how many little boys do you know that love their sisters as much as you do? How many little boys will sit in the back seat of a car, with a DS sitting on his lap and spend the entire half hour drive, not playing with it, but trying to make his baby sister laugh? And succeeding! No one makes her laugh like you do. Grandma says it is because she can feel your love for her, and I think she's right. You have a lot of love to give Saige, and I hope you always keep your heart open, the way it is when you talk to Cady. If you show the world how much love is in your heart, I know it will love you right back, the way I do. I am so lucky to know you and be a part of your life!

Love always,
Aunt Kendra

Cadence,
You are the baby, and you won't remember these things when you're bigger, so I wanted to write some of them down. You never stop moving unless you are asleep. You want to go where your big brother and sister go, and you desperately want to get on the ground and play with the dog. You stand as much as you can (with a little help, and you are just starting to scooch around on your belly, so crawling can't be far off. I dread trying to keep up with you. You smile at everything! Nobody can see you giggle and not giggle right back at you. This will be a major asset to you if you keep it up. You are intensely friendly, and everyone feels special when you smile at them. You also love to swing. I don't know where I would be sometimes without that baby swing! Right now you have two little teeth on the bottom of your mouth! They are just the cutest things, but you are not a happy camper when you are teething. Though what baby is, I suppose. You almost never cry, unless you really need something, or you are in pain. You just like to spend your time smiling away, you even smile in your sleep. I feel so lucky to be able to spend so much time with you, watching you grow and learning all about you. I love you dearly, and treasure these moments with you with all my heart.

Love always,
Aunt Kendra

this artist is my hero for the day!

2011-07-01T09:00:00.001-05:00

Take a look!

A New List

2011-06-27T21:58:00.003-05:00

100 things that make me more than an act

1. I am Mormon
2. I have gotten all dolled up in the middle of the night just to take a picture of myself
3. I have been so happy that I thought my chest would collapse
4. I have been the same amount of sad
5. I have fallen head over heels for a tiny orange kitten named Henry
6. I saved a dog's life, and she saved mine.
7. I have burst into tears in the middle of a massage
8. I have had a phone conversation that has lasted more than 8 hours
9. I have smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in the course of one night
10. I have successfully quit smoking cold turkey
11. I have been moved to tears by a piece of music
12. I have survived an abusive relationship
13. I have been so unhappy with myself that I have shaved off all my hair
14. I've managed to interrupt myself in the middle of a sentence
15. I've searched for God in all the wrong places
16. I have repeatedly trusted the wrong people
17. I have been loved and adored in spite of my shortcomings to the point where it disarmed me completely
18. I have had moments in which I thought I would die, and moments in which I think I did
19. I have been incredibly naive and realized that it is okay sometimes
20. I have thought I was in love with my high school teacher
21. I have ridden on the back of a motorcycle
22. I have been the lead in a crappy play
23. I have slept in my car
24. I have hated my parents and I am pretty sure they have hated me back
25. I have now come to love and appreciate my family
26. I've sung karaoke
27. I've physically harmed myself because I was incapable of any other emotional outlet at the time
28. I have pierced my own ears, nose and lip on different occasions
29. I buy cards before I have people to give them to
30. I often see someone else when I look in the mirror
31. I have made best friends with a girl with down's syndrome
32. I have felt unbearably lonely
33. I've found amazing things in thrift stores
34. I've sobbed during a broadway production of Rent
35. I jump in as many rain puddles as I possibly can
36. I have seen my bank balance hit $4.10
37. I have taped down my boobs
38. I have vowed to do one nice thing every day for someone else
39. I've designed my own tattoo
40. I am kind of obsessed with loving people
41. I have accepted that I am pretty good at art
42. I have been the person that people call for comfort (not advice)
43. I've dyed my hair pink
44. I've written so many letters because I am afraid to verbalize my emotions
45. I have been called "sunshine"
46. I have slept in a silly set of bear ears (and gained the nickname sugarbear) because I was afraid of earwigs
47. I have participated in embarrassing girl's camp rituals (see above)
48. I have read all 7 harry Potter books in the space of two weeks
49. I have been in an awful car accident and realized how very lucky I am
50. I have been whistled at while walking down the street
51. I've laid in the grass to watch the clouds pass
52. I have met very few people that i truly cannot stand
53. I have made a list already of what I want to name my children when I have them
54. I have had eye surgery twice in my life
55. I've discovered that my eyes turn turquoise when i cry and steely gray-green when i'm angry
56. I'm hardly ever angry anymore
57. I've watched an entire season of Gilmore Girls in one day
58. I was once asked for directions on the streets of manhattan twice in one day
59. I gave both people wrong directions
60. I have overmedicated to shut out life
61. I've laughed at wildly inappropriate moments
62. I've hugged complete strangers
63. I've danced in the rain
64. I've jumped out of a second story window
65. I know many people's darkest secrets
66. I am clumsy
67. Little things make me happy (licking stamps, dying my hair, the smell of brown rice cooking)
68. I pick up hitch hikers
69. watching the news gives me nightmares
70. I can almost always feel when it is about to rain.
71. My goal in life is to make other people happy
72. I crave affection. All the time.
73. Usually from people who are unable, uncomfortable, or unwilling to give it
74. I have countless bad habits, most of which I am working on, and some of which I have learned to embrace
75. I have slept most every night of my life with a security blanket
76. I have gone for days on end without feeling hungry
77. I drop my cell phone on the ground pretty much every time I get out of the car
78. I constantly second guess myself
79. I am an organ donor
80. I once bought an entire pound of pear flavored jelly-bellies and ate them all in one day
81. I have had recurring nightmares/dreams for as long as I can remember
82. I have actually fallen on the floor laughing
83. I have been called a little duck
84. I have named a pair of my shoes (Beatrice and Edgar)
85. I have forgotten many birthdays
86. I have rocked a crying baby to sleep
87. I often wonder what it feels like to be a woman not emotionally underdeveloped or broken
88. I have wanted to "be an artist when i grow up" from the time I could hold a crayon. I still do not know what that means
89. I draw portraits of people in the meantime
90. I've sewn myself a blanket
91. I've burned myself with a curling iron. on my leg
92. I've talked someone out of committing suicide
93. I've been talked out of committing suicide
94. I am codependent and needy most of the time
95. I have declared my undying love for multiple people
96. I snort when I laugh
97. I have stepped in cow crap
98. I have used shopping as catharsis
99. I have learned to crack cheesy smiles at people when I am frustrated to get people to smile at me
100. I am almost always hot.

my girls!

2011-06-02T20:24:00.001-05:00

a late night drive in the hot spring

2011-05-28T21:24:00.003-05:00

smells:
1. firecrackers, metallic and pungent
2. fabric softener from someone's laundry room
3. the remnants of a backyard barbecue
4. and the pervasive smell of honeysuckle

oh, to be alive.

for cadence and charlize

2011-05-17T07:37:00.002-05:00

I am not sure how I feel about this piece. It feels like something's missing. what do you think?

2011-05-04T10:28:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was possibly one of the hardest days I've ever experienced. And if you know me, you know I've gone through some hard days.

so to make it easier, a list. because lists soothe me:

1. Your legs are a foot longer than mine and you like to walk fast.
2. I disapprove of sweating.
3. You view drawing as a chore
4. well, you know
5. you tried to teach me that I'm worth loving, that I'm beautiful for what's inside, and that you are not the only man who will ever love me.
6. I believed you better than I have ever believed anyone.
7. it is likely that baking bread will forever remind me of you
8. you live in your head
9. i live in my heart
10. both of those places are okay places to be, but they do not make us particularly compatible.
11. i will always love you.

"acceptance is the only way out of hell"

2011-05-02T15:59:00.002-05:00

"pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain."

"to accept something is not the same as judging it good."

okay pain, i accept you. i accept that you exist. i accept that there is probably nothing i can do to make you any less of what you are, which is painful.

i accept that things change. i accept that people change. i accept that change hurts.

can i accept THIS change? "to accept something is not the same as judging it good." change, you suck. you are not something i asked for, you are not something i want. change, i wish you would go away and die. but i can accept that you have come for me. i can accept that this change has happened.

we grew apart. you were my best friend once and now you are barely a friend at all. can i accept that? i've been fighting it. refusing to accept reality. but now it is time to let go of refusing to accept reality and choose to face the consequences of this change. The friendship is over, isn't it?

I have to let you go.

The internet is a lonely place at 3:30 in the morning.

2011-05-01T02:27:00.003-05:00

Why am I awake, you might ask? I have no good answer. Too much thinking to be done. Also too much caffeine consumed to stop an asthma attack a few hours ago, so no sleep in sight.

I am thinking about people tonight. There are a lot of people in the world who are worth loving. Every person you meet on the street has something about them that makes them lovable, no matter who they are, because they are a human being, a child of God. Isn't that just amazing to think about? I think so.

There are so many interactions we have day to day that it's easy for me to forget that as complex as I am, and as little as I know of myself, the person who made my sandwich at Panera Bread tonight is JUST as complex. The person who delivered my mail, the person who drove like a grandpa in front of me, the person who picked out flowers with me, the person who checked my pulse. Each is an entirely whole human beings with more to know than can possibly be known.

I am in awe.

Dearest J.
I do not feel cool enough, or smart enough to be worthy of being your friend, that's why I have trouble talking to you. It sounds like a pretty thin excuse, but it's true. You are an amazing, beautiful, smart, collected woman, and even though I suck at showing it, you are loved, truly. I think about you often, hoping things are well, praying that you will somehow remember that this too shall pass.

E.
I spent an evening with you tonight and am reminded of what a simply beautiful soul you have. I am envious, truly. I don't know if I've ever met a kinder, more generous person in my life. You work so hard to make the people around you feel loved and appreciated without ever thinking of yourself. YOU are loved and appreciated.

I get desperately lonely

2011-04-27T19:24:00.002-05:00

Charlize is watching a movie in one room, on the other end of the house Cadence is asleep with her arms thrown over her head, and I am here in the middle, baby monitor pressed to my ear. You don't know it, but I wish you were here. My heart aches for the time when we used to talk long into the night, sharing secrets, comforting one another, teaching each other important life lessons. You're gone now. Part of life is moving on from things, from people, but I never thought you would move on from me. When I was a kid, I thought friendships were meant to last forever. When did I stop being a kid?

it's a beautiful day!

2011-03-07T11:38:00.002-06:00

so, i went shopping the other day, and i looked at baby clothes and decorating aides and even scrapbook stuff, but i couldn't bring myself to spend my money aimlessly. it was incredibly disheartening. normally shopping = catharsis, but alas, i couldn't justify spending the money! i have no idea what is wrong with me. maybe i will try again today.

ANYway, it's gorgeous outside. have you seen it? there is a dusting of snow still, in the places the sun hasn't reached yet, but i walked barefoot on the driveway and it was just lovely. le sigh, spring is around the bend. cue the daffodils.

I'm sure I must have something to say...

2011-02-26T22:26:00.003-06:00

I sit here staring at this blank screen and my fingertips feel empty. I dislike this feeling. Feeling like I have nothing to say. Well, nothing worth saying anyway. I have a lot of history, like, a lot. And I have as much future as anyone I know, but how much of that is actually worth pondering right now? How much of that is worth spending the time I've got right now to write down? Isn't what's most important, the "here and now?" Living in the moment? That's the goal as of late.

There's food for thought. Here. And now.

It's quiet here. Nothing but the tap-tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. Not a lonely quiet though, a soft one, a calming quiet punctuated only by the occasional cough from this room, or the next, a remnant of the colds of last week. The tips of my fingers are chilly. I like it that way, especially because the rest of me is usually so hot, and now is no exception. I like the way it feels to touch my cheeks and pretend I can hear a tsssss noise, like a drop of cool water on a heated frying pan. I like the places my imagination goes. The room is disorganized. Cups of water with paintbrushes in them, piles of art books, magazines, sketchpads, boxes and bags full of crayons, colored pencils, pens, markers and the occasional box of "severe sinus congestion" pills surround me. A box of tissues, a cup of raspberry flavored tea, a pile of gluesticks. This is what my life looks like right now. And i love it.

There is a lot to be said for what the moment can give you, can teach you. And by "The Moment" I mean this one. This one right now. The only one you really have.

Lists

2011-02-25T12:34:00.002-06:00

Things I Will Do When I Am No Longer Sickly
1. Blog more.
2. Have a photoshoot with the fabulous and beautiful Colleen
3. Get an exciting new haircut, i am so bored with my hair now.
4. Get out of the house!!! maybe i'll even...go SHOPPING!
5. See the kids again, I miss them so.
6. Start making art again. my week long hiatus has been far too long!
7. Paint those old windows outside in the garage, and make them look like art! (i want to make a headboard out of them)
8. Go for long walks with Lovely again so as to enjoy the FABULOUS new weather.
9. Learn how to make adorable and dainty hairbows for my new dark hair'd niece
10. Be able to smell things again.

2011-02-13T23:31:00.001-06:00

him: The truth is still there, even if unfelt.
me: Which truth?
him: That you are important and beautiful.

Cadence

2011-02-08T19:15:00.004-06:00

The call came at 2:22 this afternoon. there is a new Ogzewalla in our midst!

Before: Charlie Love is soooooo excited to go see her new baby sister. We picked up Saige from school and headed over to the hospital.

Highly Prized

2011-01-28T10:55:00.003-06:00

This is my first page that i did for the sketchbook challenge, and the theme for january was "highly prized." One of the things i prize most is my journey to becoming a healthier, happier person, the journey to becoming the more real me. the big white rectangle on the left page is actually an envelope with a letter in it. the sketch is a picture of now-me kissing the cheek of little-me. yay!

portrait of the girl inside me. and an old journal page.

2011-01-28T02:21:00.003-06:00

i've just realized...

2011-01-22T23:11:00.003-06:00

that i was a child. a little girl. what did that little girl do wrong? did she deserve it somehow? does any little girl? any child?

To love is to carry a vessel that can be lost or stolen.

2011-01-22T21:18:00.003-06:00

"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering. Those are the risks. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly."

for nie nie

2011-01-14T14:10:00.004-06:00

I don't normally include this, sometimes I feel like it detracts from the finished piece, but above is the original I used, from the beautiful and talented Stephanie Nielson's blog. (Go here to read her.)

And here is the finished product! This one was the most difficult so far; it had the most colors. And I have to tell you, it looked quite a lot like crap during the process. Cutting and gluing one color at a time seems to proceed very slowly and it looks rather awful right up until you paste the very last color (in this case, Janes red hair) and it brings the entire picture together. I think this is a metaphor for life. :)

the battle.

2011-01-09T20:52:00.001-06:00

it was awful, and then it was more awful, and then it was not so awful, and then it was brilliant! and then, i had to start thinking about doing it again, and it was awful.

are you here looking for honesty?

2011-01-08T23:06:00.003-06:00

If you're here today looking for art, you won't find any. Today is one of those days where I can't swallow the truth inside me any longer. I feel like I am choking to death on the reality that is, that I can't say out loud. Because let's be honest, who wants to hear it?

My life thus far, as short as it's been, has been kind of sucky. My experiences with love, with sex, with all those wonderful firsts that you're supposed to anticipate with twirling whirling butterflies, and experience in their own time, were ruined. Those firsts were stolen from me.

And now... let's just say that some days are harder than others.

Today is a hard one. Not because I'm feeling sorry for myself, longing for a life that is normal, or easier. Not tonight. Tonight I sit here with determination on my fingertips. I plan to share with you something that I have not wanted to share with anyone, something no one should ever have to share.

I have experience with abuse. This is not my secret, not anymore, but part of a necessary explanation that needs to come first. In the past year and a half or so, I have been slowly, steadily recovering memories of that past that for a time I knew nothing of. They are becoming a part of me again, these memories, and sometimes, for a while, I allow them to control me, rather than controlling them. Well tonight dear readers, I am taking control.

I recovered a memory some months ago of being drowned. Tortured actually, the technical term for what happened to me is called water-boarding. I was held under water in a bathtub until I lost consciousness and then I was revived. Over. And over. And over.

Now for my secret: I have not been able to step foot in a bathtub since I discovered this memory. That was months ago. I wash my hair in the sink, painfully. I put on deodorant, I apply lotion, but I have not been able to bring myself to bathe. I cannot stand the way it feels to touch my skin. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be clean. And then there is the part of me that wants to faint at the sound of running water, the part of me that swims through a dark cloud of haze when she feels water on her arms. My feet are filthy. I stink. My clothes stink. My skin is one giant blotch of acne. I am disgusting. I am terrified.

Tonight, I am taking back my body. I am taking back my memory. I am taking back my dignity. I will no longer allow this memory to control me. I will get in the bathtub and wash every ounce of crud off of my skin. I will stay in the bathtub, until the water goes cold, and then I will drain the water and run new water and do it again. I will stay in the water until I am no longer afraid, just bored. And then I will do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And every day until I am whole again.

I can beat this. I will beat this. I WIN.

two more!

2011-01-08T15:51:00.001-06:00

Saige and Lovely

Charlie playing the piano

bubbling

2011-01-07T18:39:00.004-06:00

and another

2011-01-05T11:01:00.004-06:00

Emily Grace

a new thing i learned to do!

2011-01-05T09:38:00.002-06:00

I cut them out of paper, I didn't do them on the computer. The top is Saige, and the bottom is Charlie.

2010-12-29T04:24:00.002-06:00

Right now I am working on possibly the best Christmas gift I have ever attempted to create. It is 5:30 in the morning and my fingers are covered in a thick layer of glue.

Christmas

2010-12-27T20:15:00.002-06:00

quote of the day

2010-12-21T23:08:00.002-06:00

charlie: What do you call people who sleep in cars again?
me: ... homeless?
charlie: ... noooo.
colleen: OH! car babies!

adores

2010-12-20T21:00:00.002-06:00

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

2010-12-20T00:15:00.002-06:00

This past Friday gave new meaning to the old adage of "sliding into home."

also, CHRISTMAS! i love, treasure, adore! giving gifts. it makes me super duper uber happy. yeeeee!

an ode to a stranger, and to myself

2010-12-14T11:51:00.001-06:00

a quote from a very brave woman. i am completely inspired.

2010-12-14T00:12:00.002-06:00

"The idea for this came to me after speaking with a therapist who had worked for many years in a secure unit.

She explained the way that people who are psychologically very powerful (and abusive) break down other people and gain control over them. Their intention is to destroy the connections (synapses) in your brain. At a very basic level, these connections are linked to your ability to move. But also, very interestingly, these connections are linked to your individual thought processes, which are individual to you (and which are collectively your consciousness).They sever other connections too: thought-feeling and mind-body.

So the next day, I realized that I had the capacity to reverse the damage he had done, just by very consciously and carefully doing the opposite of that he had done to me. That where he had severed something I would do the opposite, I would make connections.

I began to think about the mechanism of what he had done to me: where he had isolated me, I make friends; where he had silenced me, I express myself in every way I could think of; where he made me freeze with fear I learn to move, with grace and expression; where he had destroyed my ability to think I follow a train of thought through, in as many different directions as possible.

Then I realized that I had the capacity to turn everything he had aimed at me into something positive for myself: where there was hate, I turn it into self care for myself; where there was violence I turn that into gentle regard for myself; where there was fear I turn that into courage."

an ode to charlie love

2010-12-13T23:34:00.002-06:00

sorry about the poor scan. i tried.

art journaling

2010-12-12T17:22:00.004-06:00

living

2010-12-05T22:55:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I had a near death experience.

How dramatic does that sound? Pretty dramatic? Good. I was driving, almost at the church, which was where I was headed, when someone turned left, running a red light right in front of me. It is just hitting me now how lucky I was. Right before I went through that light something told me, almost audibly, "slow down." And I did. Normally I ignore those annoying little whispers telling myself I am just being silly, or I am overreacting, but yesterday I listened. I slowed down to 25 mph and when I saw the car in my path, I slammed on my brakes and barely missed them. If I had ignored that voice, and continued at my previous, legal speed of 45, I would have plowed into the side of that rather sizable SUV.

I could have died. I probably would have, if not for that little voice that told me to "slow down." Looking back, I have had a lot of close calls. I was once locked in the trunk of a car on a ninety-eight degree day in late May, and I lived. I remember realizing that I had stopped sweating. I felt cooler, and I remember thinking that if I could just go to sleep, I would feel much better, but there was that voice that told me "No Kendra, you need to stay awake, just hold on a little longer." I believe that if I had fallen asleep in the trunk of that car, I could easily have died, but I am still alive. Yesterday I could have died, but I am still alive.

I believe God knows me, I have always believed it. I believe he could have let me die yesterday, or any other day, but instead He whispered in my ear, warning me, protecting me. What's news to me (and I can't believe it never occurred to me before) is that I have a purpose. There is a reason I am still here. I am not just drudging along, alone on this rock all haphazard-like; God wants me here. Right now, in this small moment in my tiny little life, I am supposed to be here.

Part of me is not sure how to feel about this. Part of me is so exhausted with living, (the part of me that wishes for anything from going to bed and not waking up, to a fiery car crash) the part of me that thinks dying would be easier. The rest of me is in awe. For years I've asked myself questions like "Why was I saved?" "What is the reason?" "Why do I even matter?" "Why doesn't God just let me die?"

I've realized that perhaps I have been asking the wrong questions all along. I realize now that if there is a creator, and if He has a plan, and if my being alive is part of that plan, then I have a responsibility. I am supposed to accomplish something. Maybe the questions I should be asking myself are, "Who am I supposed to help?" "Whose life am I supposed to touch?" "What good can I do?"

I am supposed to be alive, I know that now, but I think more important than that, I am supposed to live.

perspective

2010-11-29T21:26:00.004-06:00

This blog post is going to be brutally honest. Today I was awful to someone.

When I was being abused physically, I developed this hard-won ability to turn off my senses. Nothing could touch me, nothing could hurt me. I suppose that's a metaphor. I hurt, I always hurt. I made my way through the halls of my high school gingerly, skirting around people rather than pushing through the crowds to avoid unnecessary contact that would further irritate my constantly injured skin. But I could take anything that was dished at me physically, because I used the pain as fuel to do what I needed to do to stay alive. The pain was good. If I used the physical pain I was dealt to dull the emotional pain, it was like I was untouchable. Bruises didn't ache, burns and cuts didn't sting, and the mad rush of five hundred teenagers didn't phase me. When someone was hurting me on purpose, I could deal.

Now I have a dear friend who would never, ever want to hurt me. But without the intense physical pain to make the pain of emotions, of feeling feel insignificant, it's like everything hurts. Words that mean nothing harmful make me cry. Being misunderstood makes me cry. Misunderstanding makes me cry. This pain, the pain of my heart beating in my chest is sometimes so much to bear that I don't know what to do. I've never cried so hard as when this person doesn't mean to hurt me.

And so, today, in a rage, I told this friend that I could better understand him if he would just hit me. I told him that I wished he would, that then at least I would know what to feel. I told him, in essence that I would prefer abuse I could understand to him.

I have never felt more ungrateful in my life than when I said those words.

This friend means the world to me. He is understanding, patient, unwavering, a person I don't at all deserve and today I treated him like crap, and his friendship like it was worthless. All of this is to say that I am trying. I am trying so hard to act like a normal person that can have normal relationships with people, and I fail. But I am lucky. I have people who love me no matter how badly I screw up. I have friends that insist I deserve better than what I wish for myself in the heat of an angry moment. I have faith in a gospel that teaches that the worst blunders I could possibly make can be wiped clean. And are. Today I really screwed up and I am SO grateful for the opportunity I have to learn from my mistakes.

Today

2010-11-13T10:59:00.004-06:00

Fall is my favorite for many reasons. Not least among them: I adore the feeling of crunching leaves beneath my feet. Adore. I don't know what it is, but it comforts my obsessive compulsive bits. Crunch one under my left, have to crunch one under my right. Only it's not a HAVE to, like counting syllables or having one bite of each food left on my plate at the end, it's more like a game. Can I make the crunching feel evenly distributed between my feet? Probably not, but at least I feel tall, and powerful, as if I'm a giant crunching building after building (with no people in them of course).

Another thing I love, not completely unrelated, is the sound I make when walking on a driveway of small gravel. Not the giant rocks of a new driveway, but the small worn down pebbles of an old country road. so worn down that some of them are almost as small as the grains of dirt. If there's no one around me but Lovely, and the only thing I can hear is perhaps a breeze and the crunch crunch of the gravel, then I am so comforted. It makes me feel small and cocooned. I am safe and surrounded by happy things.

So today, when I walked Lovely and walked up the gravel driveway covered in leaves, I was in heaven. Perfectly balanced between feeling big and powerful and feeling small and safe. Perfectly balanced between the feel of the leaves and the sound of the pebbles beneath my feet. Perfectly balanced in my steps and my breathing and my emotions. For maybe just two minutes, when I walk that path, I feel like I know what it feels like to be normal, and balanced.

I hope you don't think I'm too strange for this elaborate description of such a very small thing in my day. But have i told you about that fortune cookie I got that told me "You find beauty in ordinary things. Never lose this ability."? It keeps me sane. And happy.

2010-11-08T21:39:00.005-06:00

Writing my story before I know the ending quite often feels rather counter-intuitive. I don't know what the story is supposed to look like, how it will end and if I am doing the right things to get myself there. Or if, indeed, there is a "there."

But I think I must have a beautiful story ahead of me, because the most amazing things grow out of the ugliest places.

zoom zoom

2010-11-05T14:00:00.007-05:00

My proudest moment

2010-11-05T00:58:00.005-05:00

i FINALLY got the pictures from my camera to my computer after at least a dozen different attempts. don't ask me which method worked because i have no idea at this point. The picture i want to share with you tonight is of the best piece of artwork i have done to date. it took a grand total of about 84 hours, was 22"x28" and cost my friend a neat $880 (not including the custom frame). he says it was worth it though. here it is hanging in my very first art show.

i have only one thing to say about the process: plaid is flipping hard to draw.

2010-11-03T07:46:00.001-05:00

SO... my camera card got corrupted. wiiiith over 300 pictures on it. awesome.

Today is a day for introspection.

2010-10-29T23:02:00.004-05:00

The time stamp on these posts is always, always wrong.

I had little patience today for unkind people. My sweet egg friend said to me "you're interesting tonight." I wasn't sure what that meant, and she pointed out that when people had barely started to annoy me (speaking unkindly of others, talking to me like i was a child and making me feel stupid) I was done with them immediately. I don't get this way often, I am non-confrontational, but I think it's because all day today, as I ironed, cut, and sewed, ironed, cut and sewed, ironed, cut and sewed, I was thinking about people.

In high school, there was an extremely small number of people that I trusted with my truth. (I say it was "my truth" rather than THE truth because it was the truth as best as I understood it inside my little soul, a truth that was not as accurate as it should have been.)

It started with one friend, Kate. she was wonderful and accepting, and she believed me. In a moment of desperation, overwhelmed with the feeling of letting go of my deep, dark secret, I told a group of her friends - kids I barely knew - during a game of truth or dare what had happened to me. I then immediately got scared, and took it all back. I told these few people that was I had told them was a lie. After all, better to be a liar than a victim, and everyone already thought I was a liar, so no big right?

I cannot even imagine the pain I caused these people, not to mention the pain I inflicted upon myself burying the truth deeper and deeper into the infected wound that was my body and soul.

I have been searching for some words, some kind of... salve to apply to this metaphorical wound, some apology to offer these people, some way of coming to terms with the trust that I (for lack of a better word) abused. I have been searching for a way to pay restitution, and finding neither the courage, nor the magic words, the best I can do is an attempt from now on at complete honesty.

If this ends up being a letter to myself, that's fine. If any, or all of those young people who took me into their circle of truth or dare, somehow happen to read this, that's okay too. No more lies. No more hiding. What happened, happened. There is no taking it back this time, no pretending it didn't.

1. I was abused by some of my classmates. 2. I reached out to people for help and then I pushed them away.

I can't change these facts. What i CAN change is where i go from here. I can use what I've experienced to motivate myself to go forward with kindness. I choose to be honest. I choose to look for the good in every situation, and I choose to have no patience for the unkind. That is all I can manage today.

2010-10-27T09:57:00.003-05:00

Right now, miss Liza Love is sitting next to me coloring in a picture of a turnip. I am thinking about halloween. I was going to be a lost boy because Charlie and Emily are being Tinkerbell, Saige is going as a pirate, and Colleen as Wendy. ALAS, it is much more difficult to find a skunk tail at halloween time than one might imagine.

2010-10-26T13:45:00.003-05:00

Things feel sweeter to me in the fall. Halloween is upon us and I am taking the kids Trick-or-treating. And tonight we will go look for costumes right before we carve pumpkins! Hooray for the simple pleasures in life. I got a fortune cookie once that told me "you see beauty in ordinary things. never lose this ability." I took this very seriously.

Yesterday there was a woman and her grandson sitting in the car next to mine while I waited for my friend. This little boy was pretty cute. He was bored, and he wanted to talk to her, and I could not believe the words that came out of her mouth when talking to this child. "Shut up!" she told him. "You are so @#$%ing annoying. Why do you have to be that way?!" Everything he did was wrong, and I was so grateful for my family in that moment. I am so grateful for my sweet niece and nephew for being so easy to love, and I'm grateful for my momma who loved me even when i was really hard to love. And for never telling me to shut up.

The world can be such a beautiful place when you're young. People want the children in their lives to grow up so fast. Sit still, don't talk, don't play. Why not let them talk to you while they still want to? Why not let them throw rocks at the gravel? (seriously? do you think he's going to mess up the other rocks?!) Why not let them jump in rain puddles when the only place you have to go is home? Why not try to see the world through his eyes for just a little longer, and let what he sees be beautiful?

Today I am glad to be alive

2010-10-24T22:54:00.003-05:00

This morning, my dog jumped on my bladder to let me know she was ready to get up. Ouch. The sun was warm today, and the wind slamming against my face as I drove over the mountain was crisp and cold, that almost painful chill. Today I accidentally sliced two fingers with a rotary cutter while making a quilt. Today an almost-stranger pointed out that when I'm not indulging in my "annoying" childlike habit of coloring to help me pay attention, my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is "obvious." Hurts.

And I love it. The pain is what lets me know that I'm still alive. It's good. I am lucky to feel the wind on my face, and the stinging of a paper-thin cut, and the pain in my chest when someone points out my flaws. I am lucky to be alive. Thank God.

She'll Be A Morning Shadow

2010-10-22T22:07:00.006-05:00

As I am starting this entry, it is 11:11 pm on October the 22nd. When I finish it (more than likely) it will be October 23rd. October the 23rd, 2010. In 49 minutes it will have been one year since I was raped in a grocery store bathroom by someone I knew.

My life took a sharp swerve that night. In some ways, the girl I was that day, and the girl I am today are not so different. Our faces are the same, our core beliefs, our hidden talents are shared, but she had something that I can no longer afford, and that is the luxury of denial.

This one incident brought up more painful memories than I can share in good conscience here and now. I haven't taken a picture of myself once this year. Making art is painful now. There are some days when I can't bring myself to get out of bed. The nightmares kill me. Last night, I didn't sleep at all. I tossed and turned all night, my mind filled with visions of violence, black and white, and slow, with mouths moving, trying to yell, scream, cry, argue, but no sound coming out. Like an old silent movie.

I often wonder if people notice that because of this, I walk around in a fog. Sometimes I feel like they must be able to see that my nightmares walk beside me, but no one says anything. In fact, the people closest to me have noticed a steady change in me from that night, and not for the poorer. It's hard for me to see sometimes how relatively normal I am when I feel such a wreck, but as a line from one of my favorite songs goes "you've come far, and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are, cuz you know where you've been."

Today I stand as a woman who has taken only the first few steps in a lifelong journey, but I go forward with the knowledge that, although there may be no real end to this story, there is something better to look forward to. I also press on with the knowledge that I no longer have to walk alone.

rain

2010-09-30T10:46:00.003-05:00

I adore rainy days. Autumn is so close. With the moisture, the trees are starting to turn yellowish green, instead of brown, and the air is getting crisp! yeeeee! Lovely refuses to go outside to go to the bathroom today. She doesn't want to get her pretty little paws wet.

Also fall related: I have been yard sailing and reorganizing (which is taking for EVER) and redecorating. I love it! It's a long process, and is nowhere close to being finished, but it is the most exciting part of my life right now. YAY for yellow walls!

fall

2010-09-14T22:20:00.003-05:00

What happened to 2010, it's almost fall already!? Don't get me wrong, I am NOT mourning the departure from the sweltering noons, for the crisp chill that is approaching. I am however, a little in shock about how much time I feel like I've lost. Charlie Love is 4 years old, and Saige is almost 10! Ten years old! He is learning to write in cursive, and today he had a little rant about how it's spelled roofs and not rooves, and journeys and not journies. He is definitely related to me. English is hard.

I'm back.

Testimony of the Book of Mormon

2010-05-03T12:14:00.001-05:00

spring!!

2010-03-24T10:16:00.001-05:00

2010-03-08T11:42:00.004-06:00

When I can't breathe I go outside, lie on the ground, and let the trees envelop me like a cocoon. Like swaddling a baby, I am enclosed, I feel secure, and the trees breathe air back into my empty lungs. Sometimes I think that Heavenly Father put trees on the earth just so I could get through this. He is wrapping that swaddling blanket around me, drawing me into his arms, and rocking me until I am calm.

*****************************************
Where, when my aching grows, Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only one.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant He is and kind, love without end.

I am extraordinarily lucky

2010-03-06T11:16:00.003-06:00

Today I met my Girl Scout leader from when I was like ten. It was weird...and Happymaking. I remember being a brownie, and what's better, SHE remembers me being a brownie. How many little girls has she taken to Savannah? How many girls has she pinned little rainbow pins on, or had to help with mundane projects or stood outside with on chilly spring Saturdays selling Girl Scout Cookies? And she remembers me. I was a silly little girl scout then, and today, I donated a box of lemonade cookies to Walter Reed.

Also today, I drove with the windows down and my music blasting. I know it's a little sacreligious to blast Ray Lamontagne, since he is so chill and deserves to be listened to in quiet meaningful moments with headphones in, but all the same, I blasted Mr. Ray with the windows down and the sun shining on my skin, and it made me smile.

1. bathroom accessories in green and yellow and blue to match a splatter painting done by a nine year old (when he was 8.) a toothbrush holder, a soap dispenser, a trashcan, a shower curtain, and a "cotton container" (which actually ends up being filled with bobby pins and ponytail holders and barrettes)
2. clothes that have not been worn in months coming out of the dryer smelling like Happy and Clean.
3. spring is coming

Would it be bragging to call myself richly blessed?

lovers loves freckles. tender.

2010-03-04T23:46:00.001-06:00

2010-03-04T23:34:00.002-06:00

Tonight, the moon through the trees looks like a mirror image of my little globe porch light. Both bright white and slightly less than round, I imagine they are blinking friendly greetings at each other though the dark. I'll leave the porch light on tonight so that the moon doesn't get lonely.

Blue eyes

2010-01-20T00:00:00.004-06:00

freckles

pigtails

2009-10-12T21:45:00.001-05:00

Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell Ten People

2009-09-21T12:37:00.003-05:00

1. that really hurt, what you said. it was brutal. maybe it was your truth, but i still think you could be wrong.

2. i HATE being stood up. thanks. it is becoming really difficult for me to give you the benefit of the doubt.

3. if i were the type to marry a girl. i would choose you. you are amazing. i know you don't believe it, but it's true.

4. i loved you once, but i'm not sure i do anymore. i'm sorry.

5. i know i fall hard, but i don't think that is a thing you should plan on "fixing" about me. it's just who i am. and that is okay.

6. your hugs are physically painful. this is unacceptable.

7. there is a reason why i seem so useless. i wish i could tell you what it is. i wish i knew that you would be strong for me.

8. i HATE it when you talk about people that way. you are just as flawed as any of them.

9. i think i love you.

10. you will never hurt me, ever again. i won't let you.

**siiiigh**

Artistic Genius

2009-05-24T20:37:00.003-05:00

2009-05-11T22:35:00.002-05:00

i think i am going crazy. but someone who actually is going crazy, thinks they're getting saner, right?

it's the very least i can do.

2009-05-03T22:00:00.004-05:00

i know how cliche it probably sounds- not to mention unlike me. i tend not to talk about things of this nature in public forums. but today i am grateful for the amazing power at my fingertips. i'm talking about, not only my own ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, but the fact that at the click of a little white mouse, i can broadcast my thoughts and feelings and opinions across the internet.

i wonder how often we stop and that about the sheer vastness of this everyday part of our lives. if they knew what they were looking for, anyone, anywhere in the whole world who had access to a computer could find their way to my insignificant little page of musings. that is power, my friends.

internet celebrities are born overnight, people actually make money, just by making videos and letting companies post ads next to their faces on youtube. while i have no desire whatsoever to acquire my 15 minutes of fame through the intarwubs, it does call to mind, for me, the amazing ability we have to reach out to one another. we reach across city lines, and country borders. you can meet someone, who in your lifetime you would never, ever have met otherwise. you can touch people's lives, possibly without even knowing it.

the internet allows us an amazing kind of communication we have never in the history of the planet accomplished before. and while it is wonderful, and amazing, it also convinces me that there is a lot we can do as human beings. a lot more than we are doing now. we can reach out to people.

You can reach out to someone. Whether it be across oceans and telephone lines, or across the table at lunch, the power is the same. Because it's not the technology that makes the human race what it is. It's not technology that gives us ideas, and emotions and talents. It's not technology that accomplishes anything. It's not the technology that makes us powerful.

So reach out to someone. If there is anything i have learned today (which was actually the purpose of this entire tangent) is that there is so much at my disposal, so many opportunities, so many blank canvases, so many unwritten songs.

I want to use them to praise the Lord. I want to use what I have, to serve Him more fully. He has given, and still gives me everything I have. Everything good in my life, right down to the computer on which I am typing, and my ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, comes from Him.

I almost can't put into words, my desire to live in a way that might make Him proud, and make me feel like i am doing anything worth being done. so instead, i will post the lyrics of a hymn. and then i will be finished.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I’ll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

How cliche is it to say that spring has sprung?

2009-04-25T13:50:00.002-05:00

2009-04-18T16:22:00.001-05:00

I GOT A DOG!

perfunctory

2009-04-13T09:44:00.002-05:00

i keep a written journal! i don't know why it is so dang hard for me to remember to post in this one... its not like i'm not online at least once every day!

NAY way. this week, i have wicked bad springtime allergies. and since there was tons of yelling and laughing yesterday, my voice is all but gone today.

my cat will be having kittens in the next week and a half! i am excited like whoa!

thats all i got for today.

spinning-top-art

2009-03-26T11:12:00.003-05:00

Last night my cat decided that my lap was a nice place to chill. First time in EVER! This is not an affectionate cat, let me tell you. Not a fan of nuzzles, or being petted, not even that cat who bumps you with her head to claim you as hers. And today, as soon as I sat down at the computer, she came over, sniffed my fingers, hopped into my lap, and proceeded to fall asleep. I am so excited! She likes me after all.

I hope she has at least one orange kitten. I will name him Rufus. Even if he is a girl. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. lulu is pregnant.

Yesterday, I became obsessed with the idea of making a writing pen into a spinning top. I want to make spinning-top-art. Just FYI, this task is MUCH more difficult than one would generally imagine. Apparently, tops have to be perfectly balanced, or they fall down. So carving a chunk of wood with a dremmel is not effective. And also, they have to be heavy enough to compensate for the weight of the pen. Therefore, a perfectly balanced top made of cardboard is also completely ineffective. I am determined to make this work.

BUT, on the bright side, even art from a top that doesn't spin properly still looks pretty cool. Sketchbook material at any rate. Hooray.

ps. Jennie, I adore the Weepies! Well done!

Daffodill weather

2009-03-19T09:31:00.002-05:00

The storms come and go. Today the wind blows cold, and the sun rests between thick gray clouds, like a feather mattress and a down comforter. The sun is fickle, and has not yet decided whether tomorrow she will get out of bed, and let us feel her heavy warmth on our faces, or if she will continue in her dramatic pause. These indecisions of the sun, make the air grumpy. She sighs vehemently and we are surrounded by fog. At our feet it is misty and we only notice if we take the time to look down and observe it resting, nestled between the roots of the trees.

It is dense, however, on the top of the mountain, where driving up, up is like driving into the clouds. If you don't pay attention you'll miss that place, in between clarity of vision and blindness, where you can see the bottom, but not the top of the forest surrounding you. In that moment you have a choice. You can turn around, go back down to where it is easy to see, or you can keep going, and eventually make it to the place you intended.

If you don't pay attention, and are not sure where you are going, you find yourself lost. But if you notice the tops of the trees disappear, you can see ahead of time, the lights on the road disappearing into the white blindness. And then, even when you can barely see beyond the windshield of your car, and the lights look like they are not lit beyond the one directly ahead of you, you have faith that if you can just make it to that little light, the next one along the path will become visible, and you can follow them out of the fog.

The clarity of vision hits you again, and even though the sun is sleepy she still seems brighter than anything you've ever seen. And if you remember to look up again, you will see the tops of the trees, lost at first, disconnected from their own trunks, become visible again. You look around you and the world is again as it was before. There is still snow on the ground in patches, and there is still a fine mist lying over the ground like a tissue on the floor. But if you can observe a little way down the road, daffodills bloom at the edge of the gravel.

When You Dream

2009-03-10T12:54:00.004-05:00

It's hard to believe
As I watch you breathe

Your mind drifts and weaves

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Do you dream about
music or mathematics
or planets too far for the eye?
Do you dream about
Jesus or quantum mechanics
or angels who sing lullabies?

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Are they colour or black and white,
Yiddish or English
or languages not yet conceived?
Are they silent or boisterous?
Do you hear noises just
loud enough to be perceived?

-Barenaked Ladies

2009-03-04T21:19:00.003-06:00

Things are changing.

I have learned how to curl my hair, and I feel pretty when I do it. Therefore, I love doing it, even though takes a long time.

I have regained my cookie baking ability, and have made a resolution to be more humble about it in the future.

Our furnace is broken and so the house smells like burnt rubber and is very cold.

I cut my bangs over the bathroom trash can last week.

I have text messaging and mobile IM now. yay! text me!

I have decided that somehow, I will take that infant massage training course in April. I want to be a certified Infant Massage Educator. I have no idea where I will find the seven hundred dollars for the class though.

I have also decided that if I don't get married and have my own babies, my sister and I will foster children together. I need children in my life, and I am convinced that there is a child out there somewhere that needs me too.

I wake up early now. Today i slept in until nine.

Things are changing.

A History of Kendra's Hair

2009-02-26T08:13:00.001-06:00

You can find it on

Danielle Ate The Sandwich

2009-02-18T09:54:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuFD4IKz6bk&feature=channel
You want to watch this video.

Another Day
by Danielle Ate the Sandwich
(Danielle, I am in love with you!)

In the bathroom she is combing her hair and
spraying the perfume she hopes he’ll respond to.
In the bedroom she’s trying on dresses
she bought just in case another man ever came along, and
I am stuck swimming through thoughts,
thinking of you when I know I should not be and

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

In the front yard, he’s teaching his son
to play all the games that his father never taught him to and
At the stop light he’s shaking fists and
mouthing words that are bolder behind car doors.
I am caught coughing up colors and
forming your features in a daydream so I can see you.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

At the graveyard he’s tracing carvings of
headstone markings of someone that he once loved.
And she is leaving fake plastic flowers
a lovely arrangement of carnation sentiments.
I am cursed, curling your words
around through my fingers as if they were tangible.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you

And so she’s human, And I’m just human.
And we will form pointless obsessions.
And we are photosynthesizing,
turning unreal expectations into energy.

In the nighttime I am tossing and turning
watching the wind blow in through the curtains.
In my apartment no creature is stirring,
no humming or purring of a Kenmore or Frigidaire.
And I am shutting my eyes and hoping
that when I wake up, you’ll be back from your camping trip.

2009-02-18T07:50:00.003-06:00

So today is the first day, probably in the History of my Life, that I woke up before 10:00, ON MY OWN... just because i wasn't asleep anymore. This morning, (drum roll please) I woke up at 7:45. In the morning. Go me! I suppose I will probably have to take a nap by lunchtime, but go me anyway!

In other news, Charlize gave herself her very first haircut last week.

because movies make me happy

2009-02-12T23:38:00.002-06:00

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. When someone guesses correctly, write the name of the movie.
5. NO Googling, using IMDb search, or other search functions.
6. No looking at my favorite movies on my Facebook page.
7. You don't have to be tagged to play

1. This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode. .......Serenity- Heather

2. It's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.

3. They are poems that just occur to him on the spot. Last night he said to me, "Dawn, your face is a brilliant moon in my empty room. Your love is like a beating drum. Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum." ....Waitress- Heather

4. It's all right, Captain. We always knew you was a whoopsie. .......Stardust- Carmen

5. Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener. ......Juno- Heather

6. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. ..........The Princess Bride- Carmen

7. But captain, to obey - just like that - for obedience's sake... without questioning... That's something only people like you do.

8. Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

9. You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.

10. I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, (...) and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

In the sun

2009-02-01T17:49:00.002-06:00

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see in your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

May God’s love be with you
Always
May God’s love be with you

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find?
If I find...
If I find my own way
How much
Will I find you?

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand?
’cause I been caught in between all You wish for and all you need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

smitten

2009-01-29T17:48:00.002-06:00

I think God may have taken away my ability to make chocolate chip cookies because I was too prideful.

2009-01-28T00:42:00.001-06:00

I learned how to curl my hair yesterday.

2009-01-25T22:10:00.007-06:00

ps. i am trying to wink. i know, i suck.
AND! drum roll please... I actually think i look really pretty in these next pictures. (put it on the calendar)

Be My Escape- Relient K

2009-01-17T22:48:00.004-06:00

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Warm Fuzzies

2009-01-15T10:52:00.002-06:00

an "I love you always and forever"
little hugs from little people
cleaning the kitchen for your mother
a warm meal when you get home from a cold day
sniffing a soft baby head
holding hands
making a baby blanket
a home video

Kendralu

2009-01-10T13:14:00.007-06:00

i am feeling extra wordy today. so today as per the usual, i shall make a list. a list of me! sit back and enjoy

i LOVE comments. on pictures and blogs and walls. comments make me happy. comments make me feel loved
i never had a nickname in my life until two years ago... 'cause what can you make out of kendra? i was very opposed all my life to being called after barbie's boyfriend. but starting with "sugarbear" (at girl's camp) which still makes me giggle, there has been a torrential downpour of nicknames, including, but not limited to: k-bear, k-unit, kenya, kendralu, lulu, louise. you name it, i'll answer to it. i like nicknames. they make me happy.
i make art. just in case you didn't know already. although to be specific, i really only enjoy making art of people. faces, personalities, flaws, enderaing qualities. portraits. they make my world go round.
i crave affection pretty much all the time. if you scratch my back, i will love you for life. if you are a good hugger, you can be my friend.
i LOVE my religion. it is the only thing in my whole life (aside from a really great hug) that always makes me truly, consistently, happy
i love to play. i am really nothing but a big kid. if i could spend the rest of my life blowing bubbles, swinging on swingsets, drawing with sidewalk chalk, painting with my fingers, hanging from jungle gyms, and eating brown bag lunches i would do it.
i bake. i am known in some circles as the cookie lady
i am a girly girly girl. i like makeup and pretty dresses and jewelry, and curling my hair. and i don't kill spiders. i get someone else to do it for me. sad but true.
along with the gospel, my family is the most important thing in my life. i am the youngest of five. and my niece and nephew are the loves of my life. the only thing i know i want to be when i grow up is A Mommy. i have no other ambitions.
i have been called "little tender-heart." i cry when i am sad, when i am angry, when i am happy. its an emotional rollercoaster sometimes, but it's me. :-D
i write all the time. journaling, stories, LISTS! i have decided that i will write and illustrate my own children's books. starting today
i am not adventurous or independent. i like to have someone to sit next to.
it would seem that i am quite spoiled. alas
i like music. music affects me in ways i can't even understand. i am almost always listening to something. right now it's Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold. music makes me happy.
i like pictures. i own a really nice camera, and i take pictures ALL the time! i don't fancy myself a photographer or anything, but i can fill the kid's scrapbooks.

that will be all for now. :-D

***********************************************************************

A little insight
inside my head: love, adore, fancy, cherish
outside my head: pen to paper, finally
color: gray, like the color of the sky
smell: nose
taste: bit-o-honey
mood: nostalgic
looking forward to: church tomorrow
to avoid: speaking/singing in front of large groups of people
career choice: children's book illustrater
wishing: that it would snow. i want to dig a tunnel
fear: the rest of my life
craving: affection, hardcore

postsecret

2009-01-07T02:58:00.000-06:00

"Pain is part of knowing you are alive and feeling life at your fingertips."

2009-01-04T00:10:00.003-06:00

Just a Weaver

2008-12-31T13:31:00.002-06:00

Benjamin Malacia Franklin

My life is but a weaving,
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
and I, in foolish pride,
forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
will God unroll the canvas
and explain the reasons why

the dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weavers hand
as threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

morning glory

2008-12-28T23:29:00.002-06:00

the second half

2008-12-28T23:14:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

only the first half of the pictures

2008-12-28T20:57:00.003-06:00