lovers loves freckles. tender.

Tonight, the moon through the trees looks like a mirror image of my little globe porch light. Both bright white and slightly less than round, I imagine they are blinking friendly greetings at each other though the dark. I'll leave the porch light on tonight so that the moon doesn't get lonely.

Blue eyes

freckles

pigtails

Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell Ten People

1. that really hurt, what you said. it was brutal. maybe it was your truth, but i still think you could be wrong.

2. i HATE being stood up. thanks. it is becoming really difficult for me to give you the benefit of the doubt.

3. if i were the type to marry a girl. i would choose you. you are amazing. i know you don't believe it, but it's true.

4. i loved you once, but i'm not sure i do anymore. i'm sorry.

5. i know i fall hard, but i don't think that is a thing you should plan on "fixing" about me. it's just who i am. and that is okay.

6. your hugs are physically painful. this is unacceptable.

7. there is a reason why i seem so useless. i wish i could tell you what it is. i wish i knew that you would be strong for me.

8. i HATE it when you talk about people that way. you are just as flawed as any of them.

9. i think i love you.

10. you will never hurt me, ever again. i won't let you.



**siiiigh**

Artistic Genius

i think i am going crazy. but someone who actually is going crazy, thinks they're getting saner, right?

it's the very least i can do.

i know how cliche it probably sounds- not to mention unlike me. i tend not to talk about things of this nature in public forums. but today i am grateful for the amazing power at my fingertips. i'm talking about, not only my own ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, but the fact that at the click of a little white mouse, i can broadcast my thoughts and feelings and opinions across the internet.

i wonder how often we stop and that about the sheer vastness of this everyday part of our lives. if they knew what they were looking for, anyone, anywhere in the whole world who had access to a computer could find their way to my insignificant little page of musings. that is power, my friends.

internet celebrities are born overnight, people actually make money, just by making videos and letting companies post ads next to their faces on youtube. while i have no desire whatsoever to acquire my 15 minutes of fame through the intarwubs, it does call to mind, for me, the amazing ability we have to reach out to one another. we reach across city lines, and country borders. you can meet someone, who in your lifetime you would never, ever have met otherwise. you can touch people's lives, possibly without even knowing it.

the internet allows us an amazing kind of communication we have never in the history of the planet accomplished before. and while it is wonderful, and amazing, it also convinces me that there is a lot we can do as human beings. a lot more than we are doing now. we can reach out to people.

You can reach out to someone. Whether it be across oceans and telephone lines, or across the table at lunch, the power is the same. Because it's not the technology that makes the human race what it is. It's not technology that gives us ideas, and emotions and talents. It's not technology that accomplishes anything. It's not the technology that makes us powerful.

So reach out to someone. If there is anything i have learned today (which was actually the purpose of this entire tangent) is that there is so much at my disposal, so many opportunities, so many blank canvases, so many unwritten songs.

I want to use them to praise the Lord. I want to use what I have, to serve Him more fully. He has given, and still gives me everything I have. Everything good in my life, right down to the computer on which I am typing, and my ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, comes from Him.

I almost can't put into words, my desire to live in a way that might make Him proud, and make me feel like i am doing anything worth being done. so instead, i will post the lyrics of a hymn. and then i will be finished.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I’ll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

How cliche is it to say that spring has sprung?

I GOT A DOG!

perfunctory

i keep a written journal! i don't know why it is so dang hard for me to remember to post in this one... its not like i'm not online at least once every day!

NAY way. this week, i have wicked bad springtime allergies. and since there was tons of yelling and laughing yesterday, my voice is all but gone today.

my cat will be having kittens in the next week and a half! i am excited like whoa!

thats all i got for today.

spinning-top-art

Last night my cat decided that my lap was a nice place to chill. First time in EVER! This is not an affectionate cat, let me tell you. Not a fan of nuzzles, or being petted, not even that cat who bumps you with her head to claim you as hers. And today, as soon as I sat down at the computer, she came over, sniffed my fingers, hopped into my lap, and proceeded to fall asleep. I am so excited! She likes me after all.

I hope she has at least one orange kitten. I will name him Rufus. Even if he is a girl. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. lulu is pregnant.

Yesterday, I became obsessed with the idea of making a writing pen into a spinning top. I want to make spinning-top-art. Just FYI, this task is MUCH more difficult than one would generally imagine. Apparently, tops have to be perfectly balanced, or they fall down. So carving a chunk of wood with a dremmel is not effective. And also, they have to be heavy enough to compensate for the weight of the pen. Therefore, a perfectly balanced top made of cardboard is also completely ineffective. I am determined to make this work.

BUT, on the bright side, even art from a top that doesn't spin properly still looks pretty cool. Sketchbook material at any rate. Hooray.

ps. Jennie, I adore the Weepies! Well done!

Daffodill weather

The storms come and go. Today the wind blows cold, and the sun rests between thick gray clouds, like a feather mattress and a down comforter. The sun is fickle, and has not yet decided whether tomorrow she will get out of bed, and let us feel her heavy warmth on our faces, or if she will continue in her dramatic pause. These indecisions of the sun, make the air grumpy. She sighs vehemently and we are surrounded by fog. At our feet it is misty and we only notice if we take the time to look down and observe it resting, nestled between the roots of the trees.

It is dense, however, on the top of the mountain, where driving up, up is like driving into the clouds. If you don't pay attention you'll miss that place, in between clarity of vision and blindness, where you can see the bottom, but not the top of the forest surrounding you. In that moment you have a choice. You can turn around, go back down to where it is easy to see, or you can keep going, and eventually make it to the place you intended.

If you don't pay attention, and are not sure where you are going, you find yourself lost. But if you notice the tops of the trees disappear, you can see ahead of time, the lights on the road disappearing into the white blindness. And then, even when you can barely see beyond the windshield of your car, and the lights look like they are not lit beyond the one directly ahead of you, you have faith that if you can just make it to that little light, the next one along the path will become visible, and you can follow them out of the fog.

The clarity of vision hits you again, and even though the sun is sleepy she still seems brighter than anything you've ever seen. And if you remember to look up again, you will see the tops of the trees, lost at first, disconnected from their own trunks, become visible again. You look around you and the world is again as it was before. There is still snow on the ground in patches, and there is still a fine mist lying over the ground like a tissue on the floor. But if you can observe a little way down the road, daffodills bloom at the edge of the gravel.

When You Dream

It's hard to believe
As I watch you breathe

Your mind drifts and weaves

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Do you dream about
music or mathematics
or planets too far for the eye?
Do you dream about
Jesus or quantum mechanics
or angels who sing lullabies?

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Are they colour or black and white,
Yiddish or English
or languages not yet conceived?
Are they silent or boisterous?
Do you hear noises just
loud enough to be perceived?

-Barenaked Ladies

Things are changing.

I have learned how to curl my hair, and I feel pretty when I do it. Therefore, I love doing it, even though takes a long time.

I have regained my cookie baking ability, and have made a resolution to be more humble about it in the future.

Our furnace is broken and so the house smells like burnt rubber and is very cold.

I cut my bangs over the bathroom trash can last week.

I have text messaging and mobile IM now. yay! text me!

I have decided that somehow, I will take that infant massage training course in April. I want to be a certified Infant Massage Educator. I have no idea where I will find the seven hundred dollars for the class though.

I have also decided that if I don't get married and have my own babies, my sister and I will foster children together. I need children in my life, and I am convinced that there is a child out there somewhere that needs me too.

I wake up early now. Today i slept in until nine.

Things are changing.

A History of Kendra's Hair

You can find it on

Danielle Ate The Sandwich

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuFD4IKz6bk&feature=channel
You want to watch this video.


Another Day
by Danielle Ate the Sandwich
(Danielle, I am in love with you!)

In the bathroom she is combing her hair and
spraying the perfume she hopes he’ll respond to.
In the bedroom she’s trying on dresses
she bought just in case another man ever came along, and
I am stuck swimming through thoughts,
thinking of you when I know I should not be and

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

In the front yard, he’s teaching his son
to play all the games that his father never taught him to and
At the stop light he’s shaking fists and
mouthing words that are bolder behind car doors.
I am caught coughing up colors and
forming your features in a daydream so I can see you.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

At the graveyard he’s tracing carvings of
headstone markings of someone that he once loved.
And she is leaving fake plastic flowers
a lovely arrangement of carnation sentiments.
I am cursed, curling your words
around through my fingers as if they were tangible.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you

And so she’s human, And I’m just human.
And we will form pointless obsessions.
And we are photosynthesizing,
turning unreal expectations into energy.

In the nighttime I am tossing and turning
watching the wind blow in through the curtains.
In my apartment no creature is stirring,
no humming or purring of a Kenmore or Frigidaire.
And I am shutting my eyes and hoping
that when I wake up, you’ll be back from your camping trip.

So today is the first day, probably in the History of my Life, that I woke up before 10:00, ON MY OWN... just because i wasn't asleep anymore. This morning, (drum roll please) I woke up at 7:45. In the morning. Go me! I suppose I will probably have to take a nap by lunchtime, but go me anyway!

In other news, Charlize gave herself her very first haircut last week.

because movies make me happy

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. When someone guesses correctly, write the name of the movie.
5. NO Googling, using IMDb search, or other search functions.
6. No looking at my favorite movies on my Facebook page.
7. You don't have to be tagged to play


1. This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode. .......Serenity- Heather

2. It's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.


3. They are poems that just occur to him on the spot. Last night he said to me, "Dawn, your face is a brilliant moon in my empty room. Your love is like a beating drum. Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum." ....Waitress- Heather

4. It's all right, Captain. We always knew you was a whoopsie. .......Stardust- Carmen

5. Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener. ......Juno- Heather

6. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. ..........The Princess Bride- Carmen

7. But captain, to obey - just like that - for obedience's sake... without questioning... That's something only people like you do.

8. Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

9. You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.

10. I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, (...) and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

In the sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see in your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

May God’s love be with you
Always
May God’s love be with you

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find?
If I find...
If I find my own way
How much
Will I find you?

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand?
’cause I been caught in between all You wish for and all you need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

smitten

I think God may have taken away my ability to make chocolate chip cookies because I was too prideful.

I learned how to curl my hair yesterday.

ps. i am trying to wink. i know, i suck.
AND! drum roll please... I actually think i look really pretty in these next pictures. (put it on the calendar)

Be My Escape- Relient K

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Warm Fuzzies

1. an "I love you always and forever"
2. little hugs from little people
3. cleaning the kitchen for your mother
4. a warm meal when you get home from a cold day
5. sniffing a soft baby head
6. holding hands
7. making a baby blanket
8. a home video
   

Kendralu

i am feeling extra wordy today. so today as per the usual, i shall make a list. a list of me! sit back and enjoy

1. i LOVE comments. on pictures and blogs and walls. comments make me happy. comments make me feel loved
2. i never had a nickname in my life until two years ago... 'cause what can you make out of kendra? i was very opposed all my life to being called after barbie's boyfriend. but starting with "sugarbear" (at girl's camp) which still makes me giggle, there has been a torrential downpour of nicknames, including, but not limited to: k-bear, k-unit, kenya, kendralu, lulu, louise. you name it, i'll answer to it. i like nicknames. they make me happy.
3. i make art. just in case you didn't know already. although to be specific, i really only enjoy making art of people. faces, personalities, flaws, enderaing qualities. portraits. they make my world go round.
4. i crave affection pretty much all the time. if you scratch my back, i will love you for life. if you are a good hugger, you can be my friend.
   
5. i LOVE my religion. it is the only thing in my whole life (aside from a really great hug) that always makes me truly, consistently, happy
6. i love to play. i am really nothing but a big kid. if i could spend the rest of my life blowing bubbles, swinging on swingsets, drawing with sidewalk chalk, painting with my fingers, hanging from jungle gyms, and eating brown bag lunches i would do it.
7. i bake. i am known in some circles as the cookie lady
8. i am a girly girly girl. i like makeup and pretty dresses and jewelry, and curling my hair. and i don't kill spiders. i get someone else to do it for me. sad but true.
9. along with the gospel, my family is the most important thing in my life. i am the youngest of five. and my niece and nephew are the loves of my life. the only thing i know i want to be when i grow up is A Mommy. i have no other ambitions.
10. i have been called "little tender-heart." i cry when i am sad, when i am angry, when i am happy. its an emotional rollercoaster sometimes, but it's me. :-D
11. i write all the time. journaling, stories, LISTS! i have decided that i will write and illustrate my own children's books. starting today
12. i am not adventurous or independent. i like to have someone to sit next to.
13. it would seem that i am quite spoiled. alas
14. i like music. music affects me in ways i can't even understand. i am almost always listening to something. right now it's Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold. music makes me happy.
15. i like pictures. i own a really nice camera, and i take pictures ALL the time! i don't fancy myself a photographer or anything, but i can fill the kid's scrapbooks.

that will be all for now. :-D

***********************************************************************

A little insight
inside my head: love, adore, fancy, cherish
outside my head: pen to paper, finally
color: gray, like the color of the sky
smell: nose
taste: bit-o-honey
mood: nostalgic
looking forward to: church tomorrow
to avoid: speaking/singing in front of large groups of people
career choice: children's book illustrater
wishing: that it would snow. i want to dig a tunnel
fear: the rest of my life
craving: affection, hardcore

postsecret

"Pain is part of knowing you are alive and feeling life at your fingertips."

Just a Weaver

Benjamin Malacia Franklin

My life is but a weaving,
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
and I, in foolish pride,
forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
will God unroll the canvas
and explain the reasons why

the dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weavers hand
as threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

morning glory

the second half

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

only the first half of the pictures

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

joy

1. rubbing shoulders with a friend as you sit next to them
2. christmas trees all lit up with colored lights
3. having someone run their hands through your hair
4. snuggling with a sweet little girl
5. a delicious truffle

In The Deep

-Bird York

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Spend christmas with me.

epic.

The Thinker

UGH

i HATE money.

bah

sooooo i haven't been blogging much, for those (three) of you that actually read this. i got a job. a temporary job anyway. i get to go stay the nights with this superold adorable lady who is afraid of falling and breaking something when she has to go to the bathroom in the night. therefore, thus far, i have made 504 dollars for blissful christmas shopping by sleeping at night, and making a scrambled egg in the morning. i rock.

and so does ms. evelene. she tells me stories.

october 16th

*sigh* so today is the day my grandmother died. i took the week off from seeing people and doing things that require social niceties. i always get quite irritable around this time of year. it comes around and unfailingly, i find myself thinking about how i should be better, how i want to make her proud. but i'm always just the same old kendra. alas.

i will get a puppy soon.

stereotypes

I am young, I don't smoke pot, or hate authority
I am christian, I don't hate gays
I am American, I don't hate immigrants or Muslims, and I don't eat at McDonalds. Ever.
I am white, I am not rich
I am an artist, I don't do drugs.
I am a virgin, I am not a prude.
I am Mormon, I am not married to anyone, let alone more than one person.

honestly...

things that make me intensely uncomfortable

1. talking about sex in conjunction with any of my siblings
2. collars...on people...in conjunction with my sibling
3. being forced to eat more when i am FULL
4. very very drunk people
5. keeping secrets from my parents
6. pretending i don't know something that i DO
7. feet, when very close to me
8. when people get overly nervous about something that i am also freaking out about *cough*heather*cough*
9. taking an immediate dislike to someone
10. mormon jokes

revised list of things that make me intensely uncomfortable

1. last night
   

wow

red rover...is rough.

much better today!

no worries, the sun is shining and it's crisp like autumn. i am being productive (aka doing laundry and making art) and i now know that i look kind of cute with a side pontyail! hahaha! plus, i have some pineapple upside-down cake to eat!! if you haven't already, you should read/look at the recipe below!!! and i am going to c'ville today for POSTSECRET tickets!! YAY!! and i will get so see awesome shawnda!! yay again!! all in all, good day so far.

angsty post, sorry

this blog is not cute and funny.

i feel honestly and truly, completely crazy today. i will look at something, like a line of poetry, and think it's genius, and then look at it again a few seconds later and wonder if it's the same line because it looks like it's made up of different words to me. i feel far away from what's going on around me, like right now, listening to the click click of the keys, not really sure what i'm saying. and the whole world is just a little bit skewed, like if i stand up too fast i might topple over, and my ponytail is on the side of my head to try and balance me out, but it's not working. and i feel angry and sad and my heart is racing for no reason other than that maybe my blood is rushing through me too fast. my stomach feels empty, even though i know it's not, and then all of a sudden i'm facing the wrong direction, not sure why, holding my head because i have a headache that wont go away no matter what i take, and i can't control my tears, and i don't even know why i'm crying. and my hair is too heavy for my head and i want to sleep but i know i wont be able, and it hurts to just lay there and lay there and not sleep. this feeling scares me. and my head hurts, and my heart hurts, and i don't think there's a medication that can fix this, can fix me.

i need a hug

ohmyfreakinggosh!

now those of you that know me, know that i do not cook, i bake. my newest discovery is this amazing recipe for Pineapple Upside-down Cake! it is heavenly. i asked my friend heather the food critic what she would rate it, and she unabashedly exclaimed 5 STARS!

therefore, INGREDIENTS:

1. 6 ounces unsalted butter (i used salted, it really doesn't matter)
   
2. 1 cup dark brown sugar
3. 1/2 fresh pineapple, peeled, halved lengthwise, cored and cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
4. 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
5. 2 teaspoons baking powder
6. 1/2 cup granulated sugar
7. 1/2 teaspoon salt
8. 1 large egg
9. 1/2 cup milk

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch round cake pan (my pan is heart shaped tee hee) with unflavored cooking spray.
   
2. Melt 1 stick of the butter and set aside.
3. In a small saucepan, melt the remaining 4 tablespoons of butter with the brown sugar over medium heat, about 3 minutes. Spread the butter-and-sugar mixture in the bottom of the prepared cake pan. Distribute the pineapple slices evenly over the mixture and set the pan aside.
4. In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. In a medium bowl, beat together the egg, milk and the reserved melted butter. Stir the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients until well combined; the batter will be thick. Using a rubber spatula, scoop the batter into the cake pan, spreading it until it reaches the sides of the pan.
5. Bake the cake until the top is golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 30 to 35 minutes.
6. Let the cake cool for 15 minutes. (i know it's hard, you'll understand when you smell the smell, but you should actually wait, it gives the sugarbutter time to cool and harden into the yummy crust) Place a serving plate over the cake pan and invert. Slowly lift off the pan and serve.

AND THE END RESULT:
completely irresistible. i'm not even kidding.

youth

about 4 years ago, my nephew came to me while i was taking a nap (three years old, looking about this cute) and started jumping up and down on my bed, talking about flying. about the places he would fly, and the things he would see. groggy, i said to him "saige, i don't think people can fly." he stopped jumping for a few seconds to say, in the cutest three-year old voice possible, "well...well i can!"

*sigh*

kix float. so when you're mixing cereals, you have to pour them in last. otherwise your cereal tends to float to the top when you pour the milk and spills everywhere.

tired

sometimes when i wake up in the middle of the night i find myself talking to myself. sometimes in random british, or scottish accents. tonight i sat up, 80% awake, and was talking about something, (i can't remember what) in a distinct southern drawl. i worried for a moment that these new kendra-isms might actually be symptoms of something serious, like schezophrenia or something. (still 20% asleep mind you) and so i said to myself "whats your name" and when the reply came "kendra" i was relieved.

RANT

sooo i was really angry, and my face got all hot and my ears turned red while i was doing this video. and there's a weird echo in my room. *sigh* but i feel a little better.

my first video!

sooo i was super bored, and just playing with my mac, when i discovered that i can make videos. this is actually my third video, and i still sort of stink at it. there's a weird echo/repeat thing at the end of each little...chapter. i don't know why. ::shrugs:: and really i made this so forrest could bear witness to my strange and interesting mannerisms. to show him that i'm really not that adorable. more like really irritating. alas, along came Ike. i hate ike. AND the video is kind of crud anyway. oh well. sigh. it still makes me laugh at myself.

crazy/beautiful

sometimes i feel crazy. like seriously. i spell out words i hear, or see, with my big toe. people don't really notice, and if they do, they tend to just think i'm fidgity, but its like an obsessive compulsive thing. i don't have as many of those as i used to. i eat things in even numbers. like m&m's. if there is just one left at the end of the bag, i give it to someone else or throw it away. i make lists compulsively. especially when i'm nervous. when i went in for my very first grown-up doctor's appointment, i made a list of all the things i could think of that make up a person's individual smell. as follows:

Things That Determine Your Smell
1. perfume/cologne
2. laundry detergent
3. fabric softener
4. shampoo/contditioner
5. body wash
6. soap
7. deodorant
8. air fresheners
9. city vs. country
10. home materials (old wood, or new lumber etc.)
11. pets
12. lotions
13. body odor!
14. heat/air conditioning
15. cleaning products
16. how often you clean
17. hair spray/gel
18. hobbies (swimming/gardening etc)
19. the water you bathe in/drink

thats all i got, cuz then they called me back, but as you can see, it's a bit of an obsession, my list-making. and maybe those are just some of my eccentricities, things that make me all the more loveable. but most of the time i really do feel crazy. being LDS, and having no other real aspirations other than to marry, have children, and raise them. not so much that fact, as telling people and "the look" that you get sometimes. and when i go out in a good mood, people smile at me like i'm something funny. *sigh* and now i'm on some medications to make me a little more predictable, and so sometimes trying to remember that i could be a lot more crazy just isn't enough to make me feel better. i suppose that is why i have postsecret.

i'm not exactly sure why this secret spoke to me so strongly, but it was as if the sender was talking about ME! i was so touched that i stopped and stared at it for a few minutes. it made my jaw drop, and i actually started to cry a little bit. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i really am quite crazy, or maybe it's that it was a heartfelt, handwritten secret, from someone who really truly loves this other crazy-someone, and truly thinks she's a beautiful person, and that is amazing! she's so lucky! and she might as well be me, for how many friends i have despite my crazy!
anywhooo, no matter what my strange reasoning was, here is it. a secret that changed my mood, changed my day, changed my life in some way.

I Hate Ike

That's all for now.

things that irritate me

1. when people chew gum like cows
2. when people drive slow in the fast lane
3. waiting
4. brussel sprouts
5. watching only the first half of a movie or a show (missing bits)
6. when good guys turn out actually to be bad guys :-\
7. being hot

Things That Make Me Happy
1. rainbows
2. filet mignon
3. a boy
4. trees
5. photgraphs
6. wind chimes
7. galoshes
8. the number 8
9. that my "i like list" is much longer than my "irritates me" list
10. there's more but i'm bored now.

bluh

so, i was bored. and i trrrried to make a movie. and it wouldn't upload. so, whatev. i'm in a bit of a crap mood. i havent talked to the mister today, OR yesterday, which bums me out. but i know he's a smarty pants, and busy with school and things. which is good. pfffft. also there was a hurricane. he's busy with post-hurricane busy stuff. i've suddenly realized that i am that girl that talks about her boyfriend all the time. thats so lame. shame on me.

unfortunately thats all i got. maybe i'll think of something to write a little later when i'm in a better mood. <3

insomnia

so, i was having panic attacks, along with a myriad of other issues, only some of which can be considered psychological. long story short, i am trying out a medication that has cost me my ability to sleep. it's not that i'm not tired. oh no. but i slip into the familiar, comfortable cocoon that is my bed, with my hand-made quilt with its soft fringed edges, and i lie there. and i turn over and i lie there. and the bed that was a comfortable relief at twelve thirty becomes like a sentence. i start to feel trapped, and i am hot and no matter how i lie, i cannot stay comfortable, or cool, for more than three minutes. until i find myself thrashing and tangled in the covers, so frustrated with myself that i throw them off at five thirty in the morning and turn the lights back on. i can't sleep.

whats up with that? sleep and i are pals. good friends. we used to spend a lot of time together. no, seriously. if sleep were a person i would marry him. and now he's over there, ::points:: hangin' out with Absolute Zero, Perfection, and my unborn children. things we think exist, but may never quite be able to reach. i'm sorry that analogy (metaphor?) sucks, it's five thirty in the morning and i havent slept in three days.

in that light, i will make a new list. because it is what i do to ease the anxiety. so!

movies you should never see
1. Teeth- just trust me on this one. this movie will make you want to never watch a movie ever again. (it is the only movie in the history of movies that i have ever stopped watching because it was so awful.)
2. Georgia Rule- two words "beefy popcorn" because thats what entertained my friends and i while this movie was playing. the strange tasting popcorn that out of desperation and boredom we started THROWING AT EACH OTHER.
3. spiderman three- i don't care what kind of pheremones you are putting out, any scrawny guy with bad hair that walks around town doing pelvic thrusts at random girls thinking he is a bad a. cannot be an effective bad guy. i'm sorry. you lose.

thats all i got folks. that was actually really hard for me. i think my brain is broken.

nap

"and please remember me, as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior"

-the trapeze swinger, iron and wine

::is worried::

A little insight
inside my head: swirling whirling panic
outside my head: the news reports
color: white, like a stormy sky
smell: clean
taste: chewing my lip
mood: this one is too hard to answer, i may just eliminate it in the future
looking forward to: that eventual conversation
to avoid: invasive questions
carer choice: stay at home mom
wishing: he would call
fear: that wishing makes me "that girl"
craving: affection

the most awful thing about it is that if something horrible happens, no one will know to tell me. stupid storm. stupid girl.

"what if there was only one choice,"

and all the other ones were wrong, and there were signs along the way to pay attention to?"
"well all the choices would then lead to this very moment."

things about me:

i love pineapple.
i HATE stewed tomatoes
i HATE being patient. i don't like waiting
i am a bona fide sci-fi geek
i disapprove of sweating
i can't remember how to divide
i like fire
i love cooking desserts
i cry at movies
calvin and hobbes is my favorite comic.
i watch tv on my computer instead of on the tv

there's a bird. stuck in the house. somewhere

my favorite is the curl at the top!