zoom zoom

My proudest moment

i FINALLY got the pictures from my camera to my computer after at least a dozen different attempts. don't ask me which method worked because i have no idea at this point. The picture i want to share with you tonight is of the best piece of artwork i have done to date. it took a grand total of about 84 hours, was 22"x28" and cost my friend a neat $880 (not including the custom frame). he says it was worth it though. here it is hanging in my very first art show.





i have only one thing to say about the process: plaid is flipping hard to draw.

SO... my camera card got corrupted. wiiiith over 300 pictures on it. awesome.

Today is a day for introspection.

The time stamp on these posts is always, always wrong.

I had little patience today for unkind people. My sweet egg friend said to me "you're interesting tonight." I wasn't sure what that meant, and she pointed out that when people had barely started to annoy me (speaking unkindly of others, talking to me like i was a child and making me feel stupid) I was done with them immediately. I don't get this way often, I am non-confrontational, but I think it's because all day today, as I ironed, cut, and sewed, ironed, cut and sewed, ironed, cut and sewed, I was thinking about people.

In high school, there was an extremely small number of people that I trusted with my truth. (I say it was "my truth" rather than THE truth because it was the truth as best as I understood it inside my little soul, a truth that was not as accurate as it should have been.)

It started with one friend, Kate. she was wonderful and accepting, and she believed me. In a moment of desperation, overwhelmed with the feeling of letting go of my deep, dark secret, I told a group of her friends - kids I barely knew - during a game of truth or dare what had happened to me. I then immediately got scared, and took it all back. I told these few people that was I had told them was a lie. After all, better to be a liar than a victim, and everyone already thought I was a liar, so no big right?

I cannot even imagine the pain I caused these people, not to mention the pain I inflicted upon myself burying the truth deeper and deeper into the infected wound that was my body and soul.

I have been searching for some words, some kind of... salve to apply to this metaphorical wound, some apology to offer these people, some way of coming to terms with the trust that I (for lack of a better word) abused. I have been searching for a way to pay restitution, and finding neither the courage, nor the magic words, the best I can do is an attempt from now on at complete honesty.

If this ends up being a letter to myself, that's fine. If any, or all of those young people who took me into their circle of truth or dare, somehow happen to read this, that's okay too. No more lies. No more hiding. What happened, happened. There is no taking it back this time, no pretending it didn't.

1. I was abused by some of my classmates. 2. I reached out to people for help and then I pushed them away.

I can't change these facts. What i CAN change is where i go from here. I can use what I've experienced to motivate myself to go forward with kindness. I choose to be honest. I choose to look for the good in every situation, and I choose to have no patience for the unkind. That is all I can manage today.

Right now, miss Liza Love is sitting next to me coloring in a picture of a turnip. I am thinking about halloween. I was going to be a lost boy because Charlie and Emily are being Tinkerbell, Saige is going as a pirate, and Colleen as Wendy. ALAS, it is much more difficult to find a skunk tail at halloween time than one might imagine.

Things feel sweeter to me in the fall. Halloween is upon us and I am taking the kids Trick-or-treating. And tonight we will go look for costumes right before we carve pumpkins! Hooray for the simple pleasures in life. I got a fortune cookie once that told me "you see beauty in ordinary things. never lose this ability." I took this very seriously.

Yesterday there was a woman and her grandson sitting in the car next to mine while I waited for my friend. This little boy was pretty cute. He was bored, and he wanted to talk to her, and I could not believe the words that came out of her mouth when talking to this child. "Shut up!" she told him. "You are so @#$%ing annoying. Why do you have to be that way?!" Everything he did was wrong, and I was so grateful for my family in that moment. I am so grateful for my sweet niece and nephew for being so easy to love, and I'm grateful for my momma who loved me even when i was really hard to love. And for never telling me to shut up.

The world can be such a beautiful place when you're young. People want the children in their lives to grow up so fast. Sit still, don't talk, don't play. Why not let them talk to you while they still want to? Why not let them throw rocks at the gravel? (seriously? do you think he's going to mess up the other rocks?!) Why not let them jump in rain puddles when the only place you have to go is home? Why not try to see the world through his eyes for just a little longer, and let what he sees be beautiful?

Today I am glad to be alive

This morning, my dog jumped on my bladder to let me know she was ready to get up. Ouch. The sun was warm today, and the wind slamming against my face as I drove over the mountain was crisp and cold, that almost painful chill. Today I accidentally sliced two fingers with a rotary cutter while making a quilt. Today an almost-stranger pointed out that when I'm not indulging in my "annoying" childlike habit of coloring to help me pay attention, my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is "obvious." Hurts.

And I love it. The pain is what lets me know that I'm still alive. It's good. I am lucky to feel the wind on my face, and the stinging of a paper-thin cut, and the pain in my chest when someone points out my flaws. I am lucky to be alive. Thank God.

She'll Be A Morning Shadow

As I am starting this entry, it is 11:11 pm on October the 22nd. When I finish it (more than likely) it will be October 23rd. October the 23rd, 2010. In 49 minutes it will have been one year since I was raped in a grocery store bathroom by someone I knew.

My life took a sharp swerve that night. In some ways, the girl I was that day, and the girl I am today are not so different. Our faces are the same, our core beliefs, our hidden talents are shared, but she had something that I can no longer afford, and that is the luxury of denial.

This one incident brought up more painful memories than I can share in good conscience here and now. I haven't taken a picture of myself once this year. Making art is painful now. There are some days when I can't bring myself to get out of bed. The nightmares kill me. Last night, I didn't sleep at all. I tossed and turned all night, my mind filled with visions of violence, black and white, and slow, with mouths moving, trying to yell, scream, cry, argue, but no sound coming out. Like an old silent movie.

I often wonder if people notice that because of this, I walk around in a fog. Sometimes I feel like they must be able to see that my nightmares walk beside me, but no one says anything. In fact, the people closest to me have noticed a steady change in me from that night, and not for the poorer. It's hard for me to see sometimes how relatively normal I am when I feel such a wreck, but as a line from one of my favorite songs goes "you've come far, and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are, cuz you know where you've been."

Today I stand as a woman who has taken only the first few steps in a lifelong journey, but I go forward with the knowledge that, although there may be no real end to this story, there is something better to look forward to. I also press on with the knowledge that I no longer have to walk alone.

rain

I adore rainy days. Autumn is so close. With the moisture, the trees are starting to turn yellowish green, instead of brown, and the air is getting crisp! yeeeee! Lovely refuses to go outside to go to the bathroom today. She doesn't want to get her pretty little paws wet.

Also fall related: I have been yard sailing and reorganizing (which is taking for EVER) and redecorating. I love it! It's a long process, and is nowhere close to being finished, but it is the most exciting part of my life right now. YAY for yellow walls!

fall

What happened to 2010, it's almost fall already!? Don't get me wrong, I am NOT mourning the departure from the sweltering noons, for the crisp chill that is approaching. I am however, a little in shock about how much time I feel like I've lost. Charlie Love is 4 years old, and Saige is almost 10! Ten years old! He is learning to write in cursive, and today he had a little rant about how it's spelled roofs and not rooves, and journeys and not journies. He is definitely related to me. English is hard.

I'm back.

08FF7915-7764-452E-B070-748F9632875E

1.02.28

Testimony of the Book of Mormon

spring!!

When I can't breathe I go outside, lie on the ground, and let the trees envelop me like a cocoon. Like swaddling a baby, I am enclosed, I feel secure, and the trees breathe air back into my empty lungs. Sometimes I think that Heavenly Father put trees on the earth just so I could get through this. He is wrapping that swaddling blanket around me, drawing me into his arms, and rocking me until I am calm.

*****************************************
Where, when my aching grows, Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only one.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant He is and kind, love without end.

I am extraordinarily lucky

Today I met my Girl Scout leader from when I was like ten. It was weird...and Happymaking. I remember being a brownie, and what's better, SHE remembers me being a brownie. How many little girls has she taken to Savannah? How many girls has she pinned little rainbow pins on, or had to help with mundane projects or stood outside with on chilly spring Saturdays selling Girl Scout Cookies? And she remembers me. I was a silly little girl scout then, and today, I donated a box of lemonade cookies to Walter Reed.

Also today, I drove with the windows down and my music blasting. I know it's a little sacreligious to blast Ray Lamontagne, since he is so chill and deserves to be listened to in quiet meaningful moments with headphones in, but all the same, I blasted Mr. Ray with the windows down and the sun shining on my skin, and it made me smile.

1. bathroom accessories in green and yellow and blue to match a splatter painting done by a nine year old (when he was 8.) a toothbrush holder, a soap dispenser, a trashcan, a shower curtain, and a "cotton container" (which actually ends up being filled with bobby pins and ponytail holders and barrettes)
2. clothes that have not been worn in months coming out of the dryer smelling like Happy and Clean.
3. spring is coming



Would it be bragging to call myself richly blessed?

lovers loves freckles. tender.

Tonight, the moon through the trees looks like a mirror image of my little globe porch light. Both bright white and slightly less than round, I imagine they are blinking friendly greetings at each other though the dark. I'll leave the porch light on tonight so that the moon doesn't get lonely.

Blue eyes

freckles

pigtails

Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell Ten People

1. that really hurt, what you said. it was brutal. maybe it was your truth, but i still think you could be wrong.

2. i HATE being stood up. thanks. it is becoming really difficult for me to give you the benefit of the doubt.

3. if i were the type to marry a girl. i would choose you. you are amazing. i know you don't believe it, but it's true.

4. i loved you once, but i'm not sure i do anymore. i'm sorry.

5. i know i fall hard, but i don't think that is a thing you should plan on "fixing" about me. it's just who i am. and that is okay.

6. your hugs are physically painful. this is unacceptable.

7. there is a reason why i seem so useless. i wish i could tell you what it is. i wish i knew that you would be strong for me.

8. i HATE it when you talk about people that way. you are just as flawed as any of them.

9. i think i love you.

10. you will never hurt me, ever again. i won't let you.



**siiiigh**

Artistic Genius

i think i am going crazy. but someone who actually is going crazy, thinks they're getting saner, right?

it's the very least i can do.

i know how cliche it probably sounds- not to mention unlike me. i tend not to talk about things of this nature in public forums. but today i am grateful for the amazing power at my fingertips. i'm talking about, not only my own ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, but the fact that at the click of a little white mouse, i can broadcast my thoughts and feelings and opinions across the internet.

i wonder how often we stop and that about the sheer vastness of this everyday part of our lives. if they knew what they were looking for, anyone, anywhere in the whole world who had access to a computer could find their way to my insignificant little page of musings. that is power, my friends.

internet celebrities are born overnight, people actually make money, just by making videos and letting companies post ads next to their faces on youtube. while i have no desire whatsoever to acquire my 15 minutes of fame through the intarwubs, it does call to mind, for me, the amazing ability we have to reach out to one another. we reach across city lines, and country borders. you can meet someone, who in your lifetime you would never, ever have met otherwise. you can touch people's lives, possibly without even knowing it.

the internet allows us an amazing kind of communication we have never in the history of the planet accomplished before. and while it is wonderful, and amazing, it also convinces me that there is a lot we can do as human beings. a lot more than we are doing now. we can reach out to people.

You can reach out to someone. Whether it be across oceans and telephone lines, or across the table at lunch, the power is the same. Because it's not the technology that makes the human race what it is. It's not technology that gives us ideas, and emotions and talents. It's not technology that accomplishes anything. It's not the technology that makes us powerful.

So reach out to someone. If there is anything i have learned today (which was actually the purpose of this entire tangent) is that there is so much at my disposal, so many opportunities, so many blank canvases, so many unwritten songs.

I want to use them to praise the Lord. I want to use what I have, to serve Him more fully. He has given, and still gives me everything I have. Everything good in my life, right down to the computer on which I am typing, and my ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, comes from Him.

I almost can't put into words, my desire to live in a way that might make Him proud, and make me feel like i am doing anything worth being done. so instead, i will post the lyrics of a hymn. and then i will be finished.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I’ll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

How cliche is it to say that spring has sprung?

I GOT A DOG!

perfunctory

i keep a written journal! i don't know why it is so dang hard for me to remember to post in this one... its not like i'm not online at least once every day!

NAY way. this week, i have wicked bad springtime allergies. and since there was tons of yelling and laughing yesterday, my voice is all but gone today.

my cat will be having kittens in the next week and a half! i am excited like whoa!

thats all i got for today.

spinning-top-art

Last night my cat decided that my lap was a nice place to chill. First time in EVER! This is not an affectionate cat, let me tell you. Not a fan of nuzzles, or being petted, not even that cat who bumps you with her head to claim you as hers. And today, as soon as I sat down at the computer, she came over, sniffed my fingers, hopped into my lap, and proceeded to fall asleep. I am so excited! She likes me after all.

I hope she has at least one orange kitten. I will name him Rufus. Even if he is a girl. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. lulu is pregnant.

Yesterday, I became obsessed with the idea of making a writing pen into a spinning top. I want to make spinning-top-art. Just FYI, this task is MUCH more difficult than one would generally imagine. Apparently, tops have to be perfectly balanced, or they fall down. So carving a chunk of wood with a dremmel is not effective. And also, they have to be heavy enough to compensate for the weight of the pen. Therefore, a perfectly balanced top made of cardboard is also completely ineffective. I am determined to make this work.

BUT, on the bright side, even art from a top that doesn't spin properly still looks pretty cool. Sketchbook material at any rate. Hooray.

ps. Jennie, I adore the Weepies! Well done!

Daffodill weather

The storms come and go. Today the wind blows cold, and the sun rests between thick gray clouds, like a feather mattress and a down comforter. The sun is fickle, and has not yet decided whether tomorrow she will get out of bed, and let us feel her heavy warmth on our faces, or if she will continue in her dramatic pause. These indecisions of the sun, make the air grumpy. She sighs vehemently and we are surrounded by fog. At our feet it is misty and we only notice if we take the time to look down and observe it resting, nestled between the roots of the trees.

It is dense, however, on the top of the mountain, where driving up, up is like driving into the clouds. If you don't pay attention you'll miss that place, in between clarity of vision and blindness, where you can see the bottom, but not the top of the forest surrounding you. In that moment you have a choice. You can turn around, go back down to where it is easy to see, or you can keep going, and eventually make it to the place you intended.

If you don't pay attention, and are not sure where you are going, you find yourself lost. But if you notice the tops of the trees disappear, you can see ahead of time, the lights on the road disappearing into the white blindness. And then, even when you can barely see beyond the windshield of your car, and the lights look like they are not lit beyond the one directly ahead of you, you have faith that if you can just make it to that little light, the next one along the path will become visible, and you can follow them out of the fog.

The clarity of vision hits you again, and even though the sun is sleepy she still seems brighter than anything you've ever seen. And if you remember to look up again, you will see the tops of the trees, lost at first, disconnected from their own trunks, become visible again. You look around you and the world is again as it was before. There is still snow on the ground in patches, and there is still a fine mist lying over the ground like a tissue on the floor. But if you can observe a little way down the road, daffodills bloom at the edge of the gravel.

When You Dream

It's hard to believe
As I watch you breathe

Your mind drifts and weaves

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Do you dream about
music or mathematics
or planets too far for the eye?
Do you dream about
Jesus or quantum mechanics
or angels who sing lullabies?

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Are they colour or black and white,
Yiddish or English
or languages not yet conceived?
Are they silent or boisterous?
Do you hear noises just
loud enough to be perceived?

-Barenaked Ladies

Things are changing.

I have learned how to curl my hair, and I feel pretty when I do it. Therefore, I love doing it, even though takes a long time.

I have regained my cookie baking ability, and have made a resolution to be more humble about it in the future.

Our furnace is broken and so the house smells like burnt rubber and is very cold.

I cut my bangs over the bathroom trash can last week.

I have text messaging and mobile IM now. yay! text me!

I have decided that somehow, I will take that infant massage training course in April. I want to be a certified Infant Massage Educator. I have no idea where I will find the seven hundred dollars for the class though.

I have also decided that if I don't get married and have my own babies, my sister and I will foster children together. I need children in my life, and I am convinced that there is a child out there somewhere that needs me too.

I wake up early now. Today i slept in until nine.

Things are changing.

A History of Kendra's Hair

You can find it on

Danielle Ate The Sandwich

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuFD4IKz6bk&feature=channel
You want to watch this video.


Another Day
by Danielle Ate the Sandwich
(Danielle, I am in love with you!)

In the bathroom she is combing her hair and
spraying the perfume she hopes he’ll respond to.
In the bedroom she’s trying on dresses
she bought just in case another man ever came along, and
I am stuck swimming through thoughts,
thinking of you when I know I should not be and

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

In the front yard, he’s teaching his son
to play all the games that his father never taught him to and
At the stop light he’s shaking fists and
mouthing words that are bolder behind car doors.
I am caught coughing up colors and
forming your features in a daydream so I can see you.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

At the graveyard he’s tracing carvings of
headstone markings of someone that he once loved.
And she is leaving fake plastic flowers
a lovely arrangement of carnation sentiments.
I am cursed, curling your words
around through my fingers as if they were tangible.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you

And so she’s human, And I’m just human.
And we will form pointless obsessions.
And we are photosynthesizing,
turning unreal expectations into energy.

In the nighttime I am tossing and turning
watching the wind blow in through the curtains.
In my apartment no creature is stirring,
no humming or purring of a Kenmore or Frigidaire.
And I am shutting my eyes and hoping
that when I wake up, you’ll be back from your camping trip.

So today is the first day, probably in the History of my Life, that I woke up before 10:00, ON MY OWN... just because i wasn't asleep anymore. This morning, (drum roll please) I woke up at 7:45. In the morning. Go me! I suppose I will probably have to take a nap by lunchtime, but go me anyway!

In other news, Charlize gave herself her very first haircut last week.

because movies make me happy

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. When someone guesses correctly, write the name of the movie.
5. NO Googling, using IMDb search, or other search functions.
6. No looking at my favorite movies on my Facebook page.
7. You don't have to be tagged to play


1. This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode. .......Serenity- Heather

2. It's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.


3. They are poems that just occur to him on the spot. Last night he said to me, "Dawn, your face is a brilliant moon in my empty room. Your love is like a beating drum. Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum." ....Waitress- Heather

4. It's all right, Captain. We always knew you was a whoopsie. .......Stardust- Carmen

5. Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener. ......Juno- Heather

6. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. ..........The Princess Bride- Carmen

7. But captain, to obey - just like that - for obedience's sake... without questioning... That's something only people like you do.

8. Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

9. You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.

10. I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, (...) and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

In the sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see in your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

May God’s love be with you
Always
May God’s love be with you

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find?
If I find...
If I find my own way
How much
Will I find you?

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand?
’cause I been caught in between all You wish for and all you need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

smitten

I think God may have taken away my ability to make chocolate chip cookies because I was too prideful.

I learned how to curl my hair yesterday.

ps. i am trying to wink. i know, i suck.
AND! drum roll please... I actually think i look really pretty in these next pictures. (put it on the calendar)

Be My Escape- Relient K

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Warm Fuzzies

1. an "I love you always and forever"
2. little hugs from little people
3. cleaning the kitchen for your mother
4. a warm meal when you get home from a cold day
5. sniffing a soft baby head
6. holding hands
7. making a baby blanket
8. a home video
   

Kendralu

i am feeling extra wordy today. so today as per the usual, i shall make a list. a list of me! sit back and enjoy

1. i LOVE comments. on pictures and blogs and walls. comments make me happy. comments make me feel loved
2. i never had a nickname in my life until two years ago... 'cause what can you make out of kendra? i was very opposed all my life to being called after barbie's boyfriend. but starting with "sugarbear" (at girl's camp) which still makes me giggle, there has been a torrential downpour of nicknames, including, but not limited to: k-bear, k-unit, kenya, kendralu, lulu, louise. you name it, i'll answer to it. i like nicknames. they make me happy.
3. i make art. just in case you didn't know already. although to be specific, i really only enjoy making art of people. faces, personalities, flaws, enderaing qualities. portraits. they make my world go round.
4. i crave affection pretty much all the time. if you scratch my back, i will love you for life. if you are a good hugger, you can be my friend.
   
5. i LOVE my religion. it is the only thing in my whole life (aside from a really great hug) that always makes me truly, consistently, happy
6. i love to play. i am really nothing but a big kid. if i could spend the rest of my life blowing bubbles, swinging on swingsets, drawing with sidewalk chalk, painting with my fingers, hanging from jungle gyms, and eating brown bag lunches i would do it.
7. i bake. i am known in some circles as the cookie lady
8. i am a girly girly girl. i like makeup and pretty dresses and jewelry, and curling my hair. and i don't kill spiders. i get someone else to do it for me. sad but true.
9. along with the gospel, my family is the most important thing in my life. i am the youngest of five. and my niece and nephew are the loves of my life. the only thing i know i want to be when i grow up is A Mommy. i have no other ambitions.
10. i have been called "little tender-heart." i cry when i am sad, when i am angry, when i am happy. its an emotional rollercoaster sometimes, but it's me. :-D
11. i write all the time. journaling, stories, LISTS! i have decided that i will write and illustrate my own children's books. starting today
12. i am not adventurous or independent. i like to have someone to sit next to.
13. it would seem that i am quite spoiled. alas
14. i like music. music affects me in ways i can't even understand. i am almost always listening to something. right now it's Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold. music makes me happy.
15. i like pictures. i own a really nice camera, and i take pictures ALL the time! i don't fancy myself a photographer or anything, but i can fill the kid's scrapbooks.

that will be all for now. :-D

***********************************************************************

A little insight
inside my head: love, adore, fancy, cherish
outside my head: pen to paper, finally
color: gray, like the color of the sky
smell: nose
taste: bit-o-honey
mood: nostalgic
looking forward to: church tomorrow
to avoid: speaking/singing in front of large groups of people
career choice: children's book illustrater
wishing: that it would snow. i want to dig a tunnel
fear: the rest of my life
craving: affection, hardcore

postsecret

"Pain is part of knowing you are alive and feeling life at your fingertips."

Just a Weaver

Benjamin Malacia Franklin

My life is but a weaving,
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
and I, in foolish pride,
forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
will God unroll the canvas
and explain the reasons why

the dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weavers hand
as threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

morning glory

the second half

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

only the first half of the pictures

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

joy

1. rubbing shoulders with a friend as you sit next to them
2. christmas trees all lit up with colored lights
3. having someone run their hands through your hair
4. snuggling with a sweet little girl
5. a delicious truffle

In The Deep

-Bird York

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Spend christmas with me.

epic.

The Thinker

UGH

i HATE money.

bah

sooooo i haven't been blogging much, for those (three) of you that actually read this. i got a job. a temporary job anyway. i get to go stay the nights with this superold adorable lady who is afraid of falling and breaking something when she has to go to the bathroom in the night. therefore, thus far, i have made 504 dollars for blissful christmas shopping by sleeping at night, and making a scrambled egg in the morning. i rock.

and so does ms. evelene. she tells me stories.

october 16th

*sigh* so today is the day my grandmother died. i took the week off from seeing people and doing things that require social niceties. i always get quite irritable around this time of year. it comes around and unfailingly, i find myself thinking about how i should be better, how i want to make her proud. but i'm always just the same old kendra. alas.

i will get a puppy soon.

stereotypes

I am young, I don't smoke pot, or hate authority
I am christian, I don't hate gays
I am American, I don't hate immigrants or Muslims, and I don't eat at McDonalds. Ever.
I am white, I am not rich
I am an artist, I don't do drugs.
I am a virgin, I am not a prude.
I am Mormon, I am not married to anyone, let alone more than one person.

honestly...

things that make me intensely uncomfortable

1. talking about sex in conjunction with any of my siblings
2. collars...on people...in conjunction with my sibling
3. being forced to eat more when i am FULL
4. very very drunk people
5. keeping secrets from my parents
6. pretending i don't know something that i DO
7. feet, when very close to me
8. when people get overly nervous about something that i am also freaking out about *cough*heather*cough*
9. taking an immediate dislike to someone
10. mormon jokes

revised list of things that make me intensely uncomfortable

1. last night