I get desperately lonely

Charlize is watching a movie in one room, on the other end of the house Cadence is asleep with her arms thrown over her head, and I am here in the middle, baby monitor pressed to my ear. You don't know it, but I wish you were here. My heart aches for the time when we used to talk long into the night, sharing secrets, comforting one another, teaching each other important life lessons. You're gone now. Part of life is moving on from things, from people, but I never thought you would move on from me. When I was a kid, I thought friendships were meant to last forever. When did I stop being a kid?

it's a beautiful day!

so, i went shopping the other day, and i looked at baby clothes and decorating aides and even scrapbook stuff, but i couldn't bring myself to spend my money aimlessly. it was incredibly disheartening. normally shopping = catharsis, but alas, i couldn't justify spending the money! i have no idea what is wrong with me. maybe i will try again today.

ANYway, it's gorgeous outside. have you seen it? there is a dusting of snow still, in the places the sun hasn't reached yet, but i walked barefoot on the driveway and it was just lovely. le sigh, spring is around the bend. cue the daffodils.

I'm sure I must have something to say...

I sit here staring at this blank screen and my fingertips feel empty. I dislike this feeling. Feeling like I have nothing to say. Well, nothing worth saying anyway. I have a lot of history, like, a lot. And I have as much future as anyone I know, but how much of that is actually worth pondering right now? How much of that is worth spending the time I've got right now to write down? Isn't what's most important, the "here and now?" Living in the moment? That's the goal as of late.

There's food for thought. Here. And now.

It's quiet here. Nothing but the tap-tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. Not a lonely quiet though, a soft one, a calming quiet punctuated only by the occasional cough from this room, or the next, a remnant of the colds of last week. The tips of my fingers are chilly. I like it that way, especially because the rest of me is usually so hot, and now is no exception. I like the way it feels to touch my cheeks and pretend I can hear a tsssss noise, like a drop of cool water on a heated frying pan. I like the places my imagination goes. The room is disorganized. Cups of water with paintbrushes in them, piles of art books, magazines, sketchpads, boxes and bags full of crayons, colored pencils, pens, markers and the occasional box of "severe sinus congestion" pills surround me. A box of tissues, a cup of raspberry flavored tea, a pile of gluesticks. This is what my life looks like right now. And i love it.

There is a lot to be said for what the moment can give you, can teach you. And by "The Moment" I mean this one. This one right now. The only one you really have.

Lists

Things I Will Do When I Am No Longer Sickly
1. Blog more.
2. Have a photoshoot with the fabulous and beautiful Colleen
3. Get an exciting new haircut, i am so bored with my hair now.
4. Get out of the house!!! maybe i'll even...go SHOPPING!
5. See the kids again, I miss them so.
6. Start making art again. my week long hiatus has been far too long!
7. Paint those old windows outside in the garage, and make them look like art! (i want to make a headboard out of them)
8. Go for long walks with Lovely again so as to enjoy the FABULOUS new weather.
9. Learn how to make adorable and dainty hairbows for my new dark hair'd niece
10. Be able to smell things again.

him: The truth is still there, even if unfelt.
me: Which truth?
him: That you are important and beautiful.

Cadence

The call came at 2:22 this afternoon. there is a new Ogzewalla in our midst!


Before: Charlie Love is soooooo excited to go see her new baby sister. We picked up Saige from school and headed over to the hospital.

Highly Prized

This is my first page that i did for the sketchbook challenge, and the theme for january was "highly prized." One of the things i prize most is my journey to becoming a healthier, happier person, the journey to becoming the more real me. the big white rectangle on the left page is actually an envelope with a letter in it. the sketch is a picture of now-me kissing the cheek of little-me. yay!

portrait of the girl inside me. and an old journal page.

i've just realized...

that i was a child. a little girl. what did that little girl do wrong? did she deserve it somehow? does any little girl? any child?

To love is to carry a vessel that can be lost or stolen.

"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering. Those are the risks. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly."

for nie nie

I don't normally include this, sometimes I feel like it detracts from the finished piece, but above is the original I used, from the beautiful and talented Stephanie Nielson's blog. (Go here to read her.)


And here is the finished product! This one was the most difficult so far; it had the most colors. And I have to tell you, it looked quite a lot like crap during the process. Cutting and gluing one color at a time seems to proceed very slowly and it looks rather awful right up until you paste the very last color (in this case, Janes red hair) and it brings the entire picture together. I think this is a metaphor for life. :)

the battle.

it was awful, and then it was more awful, and then it was not so awful, and then it was brilliant! and then, i had to start thinking about doing it again, and it was awful.

are you here looking for honesty?

If you're here today looking for art, you won't find any. Today is one of those days where I can't swallow the truth inside me any longer. I feel like I am choking to death on the reality that is, that I can't say out loud. Because let's be honest, who wants to hear it?

My life thus far, as short as it's been, has been kind of sucky. My experiences with love, with sex, with all those wonderful firsts that you're supposed to anticipate with twirling whirling butterflies, and experience in their own time, were ruined. Those firsts were stolen from me.

And now... let's just say that some days are harder than others.

Today is a hard one. Not because I'm feeling sorry for myself, longing for a life that is normal, or easier. Not tonight. Tonight I sit here with determination on my fingertips. I plan to share with you something that I have not wanted to share with anyone, something no one should ever have to share.

I have experience with abuse. This is not my secret, not anymore, but part of a necessary explanation that needs to come first. In the past year and a half or so, I have been slowly, steadily recovering memories of that past that for a time I knew nothing of. They are becoming a part of me again, these memories, and sometimes, for a while, I allow them to control me, rather than controlling them. Well tonight dear readers, I am taking control.

I recovered a memory some months ago of being drowned. Tortured actually, the technical term for what happened to me is called water-boarding. I was held under water in a bathtub until I lost consciousness and then I was revived. Over. And over. And over.

Now for my secret: I have not been able to step foot in a bathtub since I discovered this memory. That was months ago. I wash my hair in the sink, painfully. I put on deodorant, I apply lotion, but I have not been able to bring myself to bathe. I cannot stand the way it feels to touch my skin. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be clean. And then there is the part of me that wants to faint at the sound of running water, the part of me that swims through a dark cloud of haze when she feels water on her arms. My feet are filthy. I stink. My clothes stink. My skin is one giant blotch of acne. I am disgusting. I am terrified.

Tonight, I am taking back my body. I am taking back my memory. I am taking back my dignity. I will no longer allow this memory to control me. I will get in the bathtub and wash every ounce of crud off of my skin. I will stay in the bathtub, until the water goes cold, and then I will drain the water and run new water and do it again. I will stay in the water until I am no longer afraid, just bored. And then I will do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And every day until I am whole again.

I can beat this. I will beat this. I WIN.

two more!

Saige and Lovely

Charlie playing the piano

bubbling

and another

Emily Grace

a new thing i learned to do!

I cut them out of paper, I didn't do them on the computer. The top is Saige, and the bottom is Charlie.

Right now I am working on possibly the best Christmas gift I have ever attempted to create. It is 5:30 in the morning and my fingers are covered in a thick layer of glue.

Christmas

quote of the day

charlie: What do you call people who sleep in cars again?
me: ... homeless?
charlie: ... noooo.
colleen: OH! car babies!