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Monday, October 12, 2009

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell Ten People

1. that really hurt, what you said. it was brutal. maybe it was your truth, but i still think you could be wrong.

2. i HATE being stood up. thanks. it is becoming really difficult for me to give you the benefit of the doubt.

3. if i were the type to marry a girl. i would choose you. you are amazing. i know you don't believe it, but it's true.

4. i loved you once, but i'm not sure i do anymore. i'm sorry.

5. i know i fall hard, but i don't think that is a thing you should plan on "fixing" about me. it's just who i am. and that is okay.

6. your hugs are physically painful. this is unacceptable.

7. there is a reason why i seem so useless. i wish i could tell you what it is. i wish i knew that you would be strong for me.

8. i HATE it when you talk about people that way. you are just as flawed as any of them.

9. i think i love you.

10. you will never hurt me, ever again. i won't let you.


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Monday, May 11, 2009

i think i am going crazy. but someone who actually is going crazy, thinks they're getting saner, right?

Sunday, May 03, 2009

it's the very least i can do.

i know how cliche it probably sounds- not to mention unlike me. i tend not to talk about things of this nature in public forums. but today i am grateful for the amazing power at my fingertips. i'm talking about, not only my own ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, but the fact that at the click of a little white mouse, i can broadcast my thoughts and feelings and opinions across the internet.

i wonder how often we stop and that about the sheer vastness of this everyday part of our lives. if they knew what they were looking for, anyone, anywhere in the whole world who had access to a computer could find their way to my insignificant little page of musings. that is power, my friends.

internet celebrities are born overnight, people actually make money, just by making videos and letting companies post ads next to their faces on youtube. while i have no desire whatsoever to acquire my 15 minutes of fame through the intarwubs, it does call to mind, for me, the amazing ability we have to reach out to one another. we reach across city lines, and country borders. you can meet someone, who in your lifetime you would never, ever have met otherwise. you can touch people's lives, possibly without even knowing it.

the internet allows us an amazing kind of communication we have never in the history of the planet accomplished before. and while it is wonderful, and amazing, it also convinces me that there is a lot we can do as human beings. a lot more than we are doing now. we can reach out to people.

You can reach out to someone. Whether it be across oceans and telephone lines, or across the table at lunch, the power is the same. Because it's not the technology that makes the human race what it is. It's not technology that gives us ideas, and emotions and talents. It's not technology that accomplishes anything. It's not the technology that makes us powerful.

So reach out to someone. If there is anything i have learned today (which was actually the purpose of this entire tangent) is that there is so much at my disposal, so many opportunities, so many blank canvases, so many unwritten songs.

I want to use them to praise the Lord. I want to use what I have, to serve Him more fully. He has given, and still gives me everything I have. Everything good in my life, right down to the computer on which I am typing, and my ability to string words into sentences relatively coherently, comes from Him.

I almost can't put into words, my desire to live in a way that might make Him proud, and make me feel like i am doing anything worth being done. so instead, i will post the lyrics of a hymn. and then i will be finished.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I’ll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Monday, April 13, 2009


i keep a written journal! i don't know why it is so dang hard for me to remember to post in this one... its not like i'm not online at least once every day!

NAY way. this week, i have wicked bad springtime allergies. and since there was tons of yelling and laughing yesterday, my voice is all but gone today.

my cat will be having kittens in the next week and a half! i am excited like whoa!

thats all i got for today.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Last night my cat decided that my lap was a nice place to chill. First time in EVER! This is not an affectionate cat, let me tell you. Not a fan of nuzzles, or being petted, not even that cat who bumps you with her head to claim you as hers. And today, as soon as I sat down at the computer, she came over, sniffed my fingers, hopped into my lap, and proceeded to fall asleep. I am so excited! She likes me after all.

I hope she has at least one orange kitten. I will name him Rufus. Even if he is a girl. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. lulu is pregnant.

Yesterday, I became obsessed with the idea of making a writing pen into a spinning top. I want to make spinning-top-art. Just FYI, this task is MUCH more difficult than one would generally imagine. Apparently, tops have to be perfectly balanced, or they fall down. So carving a chunk of wood with a dremmel is not effective. And also, they have to be heavy enough to compensate for the weight of the pen. Therefore, a perfectly balanced top made of cardboard is also completely ineffective. I am determined to make this work.

BUT, on the bright side, even art from a top that doesn't spin properly still looks pretty cool. Sketchbook material at any rate. Hooray.

ps. Jennie, I adore the Weepies! Well done!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Daffodill weather

The storms come and go. Today the wind blows cold, and the sun rests between thick gray clouds, like a feather mattress and a down comforter. The sun is fickle, and has not yet decided whether tomorrow she will get out of bed, and let us feel her heavy warmth on our faces, or if she will continue in her dramatic pause. These indecisions of the sun, make the air grumpy. She sighs vehemently and we are surrounded by fog. At our feet it is misty and we only notice if we take the time to look down and observe it resting, nestled between the roots of the trees.

It is dense, however, on the top of the mountain, where driving up, up is like driving into the clouds. If you don't pay attention you'll miss that place, in between clarity of vision and blindness, where you can see the bottom, but not the top of the forest surrounding you. In that moment you have a choice. You can turn around, go back down to where it is easy to see, or you can keep going, and eventually make it to the place you intended.

If you don't pay attention, and are not sure where you are going, you find yourself lost. But if you notice the tops of the trees disappear, you can see ahead of time, the lights on the road disappearing into the white blindness. And then, even when you can barely see beyond the windshield of your car, and the lights look like they are not lit beyond the one directly ahead of you, you have faith that if you can just make it to that little light, the next one along the path will become visible, and you can follow them out of the fog.

The clarity of vision hits you again, and even though the sun is sleepy she still seems brighter than anything you've ever seen. And if you remember to look up again, you will see the tops of the trees, lost at first, disconnected from their own trunks, become visible again. You look around you and the world is again as it was before. There is still snow on the ground in patches, and there is still a fine mist lying over the ground like a tissue on the floor. But if you can observe a little way down the road, daffodills bloom at the edge of the gravel.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

When You Dream

It's hard to believe
As I watch you breathe
Your mind drifts and weaves

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Do you dream about
music or mathematics
or planets too far for the eye?
Do you dream about
Jesus or quantum mechanics
or angels who sing lullabies?

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Are they colour or black and white,
Yiddish or English
or languages not yet conceived?
Are they silent or boisterous?
Do you hear noises just
loud enough to be perceived?

-Barenaked Ladies

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Things are changing.

I have learned how to curl my hair, and I feel pretty when I do it. Therefore, I love doing it, even though takes a long time.

I have regained my cookie baking ability, and have made a resolution to be more humble about it in the future.

Our furnace is broken and so the house smells like burnt rubber and is very cold.

I cut my bangs over the bathroom trash can last week.

I have text messaging and mobile IM now. yay! text me!

I have decided that somehow, I will take that infant massage training course in April. I want to be a certified Infant Massage Educator. I have no idea where I will find the seven hundred dollars for the class though.

I have also decided that if I don't get married and have my own babies, my sister and I will foster children together. I need children in my life, and I am convinced that there is a child out there somewhere that needs me too.

I wake up early now. Today i slept in until nine.

Things are changing.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Danielle Ate The Sandwich
You want to watch this video.

Another Day

by Danielle Ate the Sandwich
(Danielle, I am in love with you!)

In the bathroom she is combing her hair and
spraying the perfume she hopes he’ll respond to.
In the bedroom she’s trying on dresses
she bought just in case another man ever came along, and
I am stuck swimming through thoughts,
thinking of you when I know I should not be and

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

In the front yard, he’s teaching his son
to play all the games that his father never taught him to and
At the stop light he’s shaking fists and
mouthing words that are bolder behind car doors.
I am caught coughing up colors and
forming your features in a daydream so I can see you.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
Another day wasted on you

At the graveyard he’s tracing carvings of
headstone markings of someone that he once loved.
And she is leaving fake plastic flowers
a lovely arrangement of carnation sentiments.
I am cursed, curling your words
around through my fingers as if they were tangible.

La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
La dee da dee dum,
another day wasted on you

And so she’s human, And I’m just human.
And we will form pointless obsessions.
And we are photosynthesizing,
turning unreal expectations into energy.

In the nighttime I am tossing and turning
watching the wind blow in through the curtains.
In my apartment no creature is stirring,
no humming or purring of a Kenmore or Frigidaire.
And I am shutting my eyes and hoping
that when I wake up, you’ll be back from your camping trip.
So today is the first day, probably in the History of my Life, that I woke up before 10:00, ON MY OWN... just because i wasn't asleep anymore. This morning, (drum roll please) I woke up at 7:45. In the morning. Go me! I suppose I will probably have to take a nap by lunchtime, but go me anyway!

In other news, Charlize gave herself her very first haircut last week.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

because movies make me happy

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. When someone guesses correctly, write the name of the movie.
5. NO Googling, using IMDb search, or other search functions.
6. No looking at my favorite movies on my Facebook page.
7. You don't have to be tagged to play

1. This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode. .......Serenity- Heather

2. It's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.

3. They are poems that just occur to him on the spot. Last night he said to me, "Dawn, your face is a brilliant moon in my empty room. Your love is like a beating drum. Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum." ....Waitress- Heather

4. It's all right, Captain. We always knew you was a whoopsie. .......Stardust- Carmen

5. Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener. ......Juno- Heather

6. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. ..........The Princess Bride- Carmen

7. But captain, to obey - just like that - for obedience's sake... without questioning... That's something only people like you do.

8. Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

9. You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.

10. I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, (...) and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

In the sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you
May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see in your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

May God’s love be with you
May God’s love be with you

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find?
If I find...
If I find my own way
How much
Will I find you?

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand?
’cause I been caught in between all You wish for and all you need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

May god’s love be with you
May god’s love be with you

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I think God may have taken away my ability to make chocolate chip cookies because I was too prideful.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I learned how to curl my hair yesterday.

ps. i am trying to wink. i know, i suck.
AND! drum roll please... I actually think i look really pretty in these next pictures. (put it on the calendar)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Be My Escape- Relient K

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Warm Fuzzies

  1. an "I love you always and forever"
  2. little hugs from little people
  3. cleaning the kitchen for your mother
  4. a warm meal when you get home from a cold day
  5. sniffing a soft baby head
  6. holding hands
  7. making a baby blanket
  8. a home video

Saturday, January 10, 2009


i am feeling extra wordy today. so today as per the usual, i shall make a list. a list of me! sit back and enjoy

  1. i LOVE comments. on pictures and blogs and walls. comments make me happy. comments make me feel loved
  2. i never had a nickname in my life until two years ago... 'cause what can you make out of kendra? i was very opposed all my life to being called after barbie's boyfriend. but starting with "sugarbear" (at girl's camp) which still makes me giggle, there has been a torrential downpour of nicknames, including, but not limited to: k-bear, k-unit, kenya, kendralu, lulu, louise. you name it, i'll answer to it. i like nicknames. they make me happy.
  3. i make art. just in case you didn't know already. although to be specific, i really only enjoy making art of people. faces, personalities, flaws, enderaing qualities. portraits. they make my world go round.
  4. i crave affection pretty much all the time. if you scratch my back, i will love you for life. if you are a good hugger, you can be my friend.
  5. i LOVE my religion. it is the only thing in my whole life (aside from a really great hug) that always makes me truly, consistently, happy
  6. i love to play. i am really nothing but a big kid. if i could spend the rest of my life blowing bubbles, swinging on swingsets, drawing with sidewalk chalk, painting with my fingers, hanging from jungle gyms, and eating brown bag lunches i would do it.
  7. i bake. i am known in some circles as the cookie lady
  8. i am a girly girly girl. i like makeup and pretty dresses and jewelry, and curling my hair. and i don't kill spiders. i get someone else to do it for me. sad but true.
  9. along with the gospel, my family is the most important thing in my life. i am the youngest of five. and my niece and nephew are the loves of my life. the only thing i know i want to be when i grow up is A Mommy. i have no other ambitions.
  10. i have been called "little tender-heart." i cry when i am sad, when i am angry, when i am happy. its an emotional rollercoaster sometimes, but it's me. :-D
  11. i write all the time. journaling, stories, LISTS! i have decided that i will write and illustrate my own children's books. starting today
  12. i am not adventurous or independent. i like to have someone to sit next to.
  13. it would seem that i am quite spoiled. alas
  14. i like music. music affects me in ways i can't even understand. i am almost always listening to something. right now it's Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold. music makes me happy.
  15. i like pictures. i own a really nice camera, and i take pictures ALL the time! i don't fancy myself a photographer or anything, but i can fill the kid's scrapbooks.
that will be all for now. :-D


A little insight
inside my head: love, adore, fancy, cherish
outside my head: pen to paper, finally
color: gray, like the color of the sky
smell: nose
taste: bit-o-honey
mood: nostalgic
looking forward to: church tomorrow
to avoid: speaking/singing in front of large groups of people
career choice: children's book illustrater
wishing: that it would snow. i want to dig a tunnel
fear: the rest of my life
craving: affection, hardcore

Wednesday, January 07, 2009