Follow by Email

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I am her person.

Today I made the mistake of opening an article from the Charlottesville, VA SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals: the local pound) entitled "The Twelve Saves of Christmas." I naively thought this would be an article about twelve animals that had been adopted. The first animal that I read a little story about was Blue, a charming pitbull pup that needs a home. What?! NEEDS a home?? Crap. What have I done?! While I have a little rant stored up about how SPCA videos are cruelty to humans, I was completely sucked in.

Almost three years ago now, I adopted a pitbull from the closest no-kill SPCA. Her name is Lovely and she is my baby, my best friend. I cannot even begin to tell you what a difference she has made for me. I saved her life, and she saved mine.

When I started looking for a dog in January-ish of 2009, I had no idea why I was doing it. I'm not really a dog person. I never have been. I kept thinking to myself "Kendra, why are you doing this? You don't even LIKE dogs," but I kept looking. I met many very very sweet dogs, dogs who don't shed a lot, dogs who don't jump on you, dog's that don't yip, completely lovable dogs, but I wasn't impressed. At least I had the good sense to know that I couldn't bring home a dog that I wasn't completely over the moon in love with, so I kept looking even though I was meeting SO many good dogs. I knew they deserved someone who would love them more than I could. I began to wonder if I was wasting my time on this search, but something told me to keep at it. I came home from the Nelson County SPCA one day and started looking up the animals that were available for adoption on the internet. My head told me this was the stupidest attempt so far. "Kendra, you cannot choose a dog based on a picture on the internet," I told myself. And then i saw Lovely's little doggy profile. This was her picture.

Right?! When I saw it, I was smitten. "Kendra!" I told myself, "you cannot choose a dog based on a picture on the internet!" So I went to meet her in person. I got to the SPCA, and I looked for her, but she wasn't in her kennel. I was so nervous that someone had already adopted her, or that she was sick or something awful, so with shaking hands, I offered the picture I had printed from Lovely's profile to an employee, and said "I was hoping to see this dog." The girl got a HUGE smile on her face and exclaimed "Lovely!" It turned out, Lovely was so scared of people that they kept her in the manager's office when groups of people were visiting. (like the group of schoolchildren that were, at that moment, tromping around the grounds)

The employee warned me that she wouldn't be very social with me, but I didn't care, i just wanted to meet her. When she came out to meet me, she was terrified. She wouldn't look me in the eyes, she wouldn't let me touch her, in fact, she was choking herself with her collar pulling on the leash trying to get away from me. But from the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the reason I had been looking for a dog. This dog needed me. And I didn't know it at the time, but I needed her. We desperately needed each other.

I couldn't take her home that very day, and for the few (utterly miserable) days that followed, I wasn't sure if I could take her home at all. There were issues with the insurance and owning a pitbull, (which I had been completely unaware of, as naive as I am.) I also needed to have a vet ready, which I didn't. And the icing on the cake, I didn't have the money to pay for the adoption fees and for the essentials needed when bringing home a new dog. I thought my heart would break.

Then the miracles started. Our insurance agent was retiring in a few days, and my mom went to ask him what kind of restrictions were placed on owning a "dominant breed" of dog. His answer: just don't tell the new agent. If she bites someone, the insurance will pay the claim, and then drop us, but as long as that doesn't happen, it really doesn't matter. He wasn't going to tell anyone. My friend Heather recommended a vet, so I was good there, and then, like manna from heaven Heather said the words, "If you're SURE that this is your dog, then I'll help you get her. I'll pay the fee."

Lovely was mine. I was Lovely's. She is my dog, and I am her person. I belong to her. It took me two years to pay Heather back for the money she spent helping me bring Lovely home, but I know that I can never truly repay her for what she did for us, for me and Lovely. My life took a sharp turn that day. I became responsible for another living being, and it changed the way I live my life. I am a better person because of this dog, and she is a well-loved, affection-craving, almost-social animal now, almost 3 years later. My heart, and my home are full.

I cannot adopt this dog, Blue. Not today, and not any time soon. I wish I could save them all, one at a time, but I can't. He is a living, breathing, loving creature of God, and maybe you, or someone you know can make a home for him. This tiny little blog with a hundred and nine readers is my only voice, and I needed to speak about this. This dog deserves a story like Lovely's. Will you help me spread the word? Post it on your facebook pages, your twitter, your blogs. Tell your friends, show them Blue's story! I know that they are out there, and maybe together, we can find the person that is meant to belong to Blue.

http://caspca.blogspot.com/2011/12/twelve-saves-of-christmas-first.html

Saturday, November 12, 2011

cleaning the church building

My very favorite part of volunteering for this service is washing down the big glass doors. Why? Because you can see the handprints and the noseprints of the little toddlers who aren't strong enough to open the doors yet, trying to escape. I love it.

In other news, 11ish pictures of the number 11, taken last night (11/11/11) on my phone! Sorry for the picture quality!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Dear Future Foster Children,

I will take you trick or treating.

love, Miss Kendra

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Oh My Goodness!

I have just discovered that I have 100 followers! I remember vividly when I only had 3. Thank you all so much, I love you!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A Bento Box

So after working on this gift for over a year, I finally managed to accomplish my goal and finish my first quilt ever! It ended up being quite a bit larger than I intended, and I think I ripped out a thousand stitches before I got it right, but this may still be the most satisfying thing I've ever done!

Things I Learned
1. How to use a seam ripper
2. That it is difficult to make a quilt look random when it isn't
3. It is very hard to make a quilting machine make a circle
4. How to make a mitered corner
5. Measure three times, cut once
6. It is only almost impossible for me to keep a secret
7. Sticking yourself with a pin hurts
8. It's worth it

The Plan:
The execution:

The Result:

Thursday, October 13, 2011

don't worry

I have an amazing blog post coming! I can't reveal too much, but it will be the unveiling of a labor of love. Miss Erin, I know your birthday was months ago now, but you will understand when you unwrap your gift.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

part three

16. my ambition to become a mother
17. my ability to be honest with myself
18. my appreciation for the human being
19. my cheery demeanor
20. my love language
21. the ability i have to heal others through touch
22. my hug

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

(part two)

this is a very difficult task, i don't know if i can do it.

12. the history of my hair
13. my sci fi tendencies
14. my love for saige, charlie and cadence
(edit)
15. my persistence (knowing something is difficult but not giving up :-p )

Sunday, August 28, 2011

A Healing Exercize

101 Things That I Would Not Change About Myself (part one)

1. the color of my eyes
2. how intensely I love people (even when it sucks)
3. the compassion that I feel
4. the number of people tucked inside my suitcase heart
5. my handwriting
6. my singing voice. i would not change it for better or worse.
7. my determination to improve
8. the ability I have to empathize with others
9. the courage I have to wake up every day and get out of bed
10. the freckles on my shoulders
11. the way autumn smells to me

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Saturday, July 23, 2011

"no offense, but..."

So tonight I drove for 90 minutes to spend 15 of those minutes with a friend. I didn't mind doing it. I figured it would break up my night, and make me feel needed, which is always nice for me. I was low on gas, trying to decide which gas station to stop at when I mentioned that gas stations make me uncomfortable, and the response I got was, "As many things do."

Even though I was a little uncomfortable with his statement, I laughed it off, saying "not THAT many things bother me... just some." his response was to list a few of the things that get under my skin, people, the dark, gas stations, the police. Even though the list could have been a great deal longer, and he stopped short of public bathrooms, grocery stores, buses, and having people walk behind me, his words hurt. Quite a lot more than I would have imagined for such a seemingly harmless exchange. The tears stung as they welled up in my eyes, but I did not allow myself to cry there in the car with him.

Why did what he said bother me so much?

Here's what I think. I think I was abused. I had gasoline poured over my head, and a lighter flicked in my face, another human being threatening to send me up in flames. Is it seriously surprising that the smell of gasoline makes me want to puke? But hey, I deal with it. I go to the gas station and I pump my gas like any normal, undamaged person. Who cares if gas stations don't make me happy? Is that justification to point out the many other things I'm afraid of for similar reasons?

I walk my dog in the dark, I go grocery shopping, I use public restrooms, hell, I get up in the morning and leave my house and talk to people. I function. I am dealing with what I went through.

I am healing. And I think I'm doing a pretty darn fine job of it, thankyouverymuch.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Dearest Children

Charlize,
You are about to start kindergarten, and you are learning to write your name, and anything else anyone will spell for you. You LOVE to write. I hope this lasts. You love to have your hair done, and to get dolled up and look pretty! And you always have me take a picture of your hair so that you can see it. I love that I get to play with your hair!
Charlie, you are very shy around new people, and I worry about you and starting school. What if when the teacher talks to you, you stare blankly ahead, pretending you are a statue, like you do to anyone you don't know? Or, let's be honest, to anyone who says or asks something you don't like. I worry that I have not prepared you enough for what's to come. I know it's not entirely my job to prepare you, but I feel like I have been a significant part of your life thus far, and I just hope I have been a good influence. What do you think? Do you know that you are loved by me? Do you feel important, even though you were afraid of being the middle child? Do you feel smart, and pretty, and capable? Because you are, so much of every one of those things! You are SUCH a special girl, and I wish I knew that the world would treat you that way, forever and ever. You have changed my life, for the better.

Love always,
Aunt Kendra





Saige,
You are SUCH an amazing boy. Sometimes when I see other little boys, even the good ones, I am reminded of how very lucky we all are to have you in our family. You gripe sometimes, but what little boy doesn't? What I really want to know, is how many little boys do you know that love their sisters as much as you do? How many little boys will sit in the back seat of a car, with a DS sitting on his lap and spend the entire half hour drive, not playing with it, but trying to make his baby sister laugh? And succeeding! No one makes her laugh like you do. Grandma says it is because she can feel your love for her, and I think she's right. You have a lot of love to give Saige, and I hope you always keep your heart open, the way it is when you talk to Cady. If you show the world how much love is in your heart, I know it will love you right back, the way I do. I am so lucky to know you and be a part of your life!

Love always,
Aunt Kendra



Cadence,
You are the baby, and you won't remember these things when you're bigger, so I wanted to write some of them down. You never stop moving unless you are asleep. You want to go where your big brother and sister go, and you desperately want to get on the ground and play with the dog. You stand as much as you can (with a little help, and you are just starting to scooch around on your belly, so crawling can't be far off. I dread trying to keep up with you. You smile at everything! Nobody can see you giggle and not giggle right back at you. This will be a major asset to you if you keep it up. You are intensely friendly, and everyone feels special when you smile at them. You also love to swing. I don't know where I would be sometimes without that baby swing! Right now you have two little teeth on the bottom of your mouth! They are just the cutest things, but you are not a happy camper when you are teething. Though what baby is, I suppose. You almost never cry, unless you really need something, or you are in pain. You just like to spend your time smiling away, you even smile in your sleep. I feel so lucky to be able to spend so much time with you, watching you grow and learning all about you. I love you dearly, and treasure these moments with you with all my heart.

Love always,
Aunt Kendra

Monday, June 27, 2011

A New List

100 things that make me more than an act

1. I am Mormon
2. I have gotten all dolled up in the middle of the night just to take a picture of myself
3. I have been so happy that I thought my chest would collapse
4. I have been the same amount of sad
5. I have fallen head over heels for a tiny orange kitten named Henry
6. I saved a dog's life, and she saved mine.
7. I have burst into tears in the middle of a massage
8. I have had a phone conversation that has lasted more than 8 hours
9. I have smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in the course of one night
10. I have successfully quit smoking cold turkey
11. I have been moved to tears by a piece of music
12. I have survived an abusive relationship
13. I have been so unhappy with myself that I have shaved off all my hair
14. I've managed to interrupt myself in the middle of a sentence
15. I've searched for God in all the wrong places
16. I have repeatedly trusted the wrong people
17. I have been loved and adored in spite of my shortcomings to the point where it disarmed me completely
18. I have had moments in which I thought I would die, and moments in which I think I did
19. I have been incredibly naive and realized that it is okay sometimes
20. I have thought I was in love with my high school teacher
21. I have ridden on the back of a motorcycle
22. I have been the lead in a crappy play
23. I have slept in my car
24. I have hated my parents and I am pretty sure they have hated me back
25. I have now come to love and appreciate my family
26. I've sung karaoke
27. I've physically harmed myself because I was incapable of any other emotional outlet at the time
28. I have pierced my own ears, nose and lip on different occasions
29. I buy cards before I have people to give them to
30. I often see someone else when I look in the mirror
31. I have made best friends with a girl with down's syndrome
32. I have felt unbearably lonely
33. I've found amazing things in thrift stores
34. I've sobbed during a broadway production of Rent
35. I jump in as many rain puddles as I possibly can
36. I have seen my bank balance hit $4.10
37. I have taped down my boobs
38. I have vowed to do one nice thing every day for someone else
39. I've designed my own tattoo
40. I am kind of obsessed with loving people
41. I have accepted that I am pretty good at art
42. I have been the person that people call for comfort (not advice)
43. I've dyed my hair pink
44. I've written so many letters because I am afraid to verbalize my emotions
45. I have been called "sunshine"
46. I have slept in a silly set of bear ears (and gained the nickname sugarbear) because I was afraid of earwigs
47. I have participated in embarrassing girl's camp rituals (see above)
48. I have read all 7 harry Potter books in the space of two weeks
49. I have been in an awful car accident and realized how very lucky I am
50. I have been whistled at while walking down the street
51. I've laid in the grass to watch the clouds pass
52. I have met very few people that i truly cannot stand
53. I have made a list already of what I want to name my children when I have them
54. I have had eye surgery twice in my life
55. I've discovered that my eyes turn turquoise when i cry and steely gray-green when i'm angry
56. I'm hardly ever angry anymore
57. I've watched an entire season of Gilmore Girls in one day
58. I was once asked for directions on the streets of manhattan twice in one day
59. I gave both people wrong directions
60. I have overmedicated to shut out life
61. I've laughed at wildly inappropriate moments
62. I've hugged complete strangers
63. I've danced in the rain
64. I've jumped out of a second story window
65. I know many people's darkest secrets
66. I am clumsy
67. Little things make me happy (licking stamps, dying my hair, the smell of brown rice cooking)
68. I pick up hitch hikers
69. watching the news gives me nightmares
70. I can almost always feel when it is about to rain.
71. My goal in life is to make other people happy
72. I crave affection. All the time.
73. Usually from people who are unable, uncomfortable, or unwilling to give it
74. I have countless bad habits, most of which I am working on, and some of which I have learned to embrace
75. I have slept most every night of my life with a security blanket
76. I have gone for days on end without feeling hungry
77. I drop my cell phone on the ground pretty much every time I get out of the car
78. I constantly second guess myself
79. I am an organ donor
80. I once bought an entire pound of pear flavored jelly-bellies and ate them all in one day
81. I have had recurring nightmares/dreams for as long as I can remember
82. I have actually fallen on the floor laughing
83. I have been called a little duck
84. I have named a pair of my shoes (Beatrice and Edgar)
85. I have forgotten many birthdays
86. I have rocked a crying baby to sleep
87. I often wonder what it feels like to be a woman not emotionally underdeveloped or broken
88. I have wanted to "be an artist when i grow up" from the time I could hold a crayon. I still do not know what that means
89. I draw portraits of people in the meantime
90. I've sewn myself a blanket
91. I've burned myself with a curling iron. on my leg
92. I've talked someone out of committing suicide
93. I've been talked out of committing suicide
94. I am codependent and needy most of the time
95. I have declared my undying love for multiple people
96. I snort when I laugh
97. I have stepped in cow crap
98. I have used shopping as catharsis
99. I have learned to crack cheesy smiles at people when I am frustrated to get people to smile at me
100. I am almost always hot.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Saturday, May 28, 2011

a late night drive in the hot spring

smells:
1. firecrackers, metallic and pungent
2. fabric softener from someone's laundry room
3. the remnants of a backyard barbecue
4. and the pervasive smell of honeysuckle

oh, to be alive.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

for cadence and charlize


I am not sure how I feel about this piece. It feels like something's missing. what do you think?

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Yesterday was possibly one of the hardest days I've ever experienced. And if you know me, you know I've gone through some hard days.

so to make it easier, a list. because lists soothe me:

1. Your legs are a foot longer than mine and you like to walk fast.
2. I disapprove of sweating.
3. You view drawing as a chore
4. well, you know
5. you tried to teach me that I'm worth loving, that I'm beautiful for what's inside, and that you are not the only man who will ever love me.
6. I believed you better than I have ever believed anyone.
7. it is likely that baking bread will forever remind me of you
8. you live in your head
9. i live in my heart
10. both of those places are okay places to be, but they do not make us particularly compatible.
11. i will always love you.

Monday, May 02, 2011

"acceptance is the only way out of hell"

"pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain."

"to accept something is not the same as judging it good."

okay pain, i accept you. i accept that you exist. i accept that there is probably nothing i can do to make you any less of what you are, which is painful.

i accept that things change. i accept that people change. i accept that change hurts.

can i accept THIS change? "to accept something is not the same as judging it good." change, you suck. you are not something i asked for, you are not something i want. change, i wish you would go away and die. but i can accept that you have come for me. i can accept that this change has happened.

we grew apart. you were my best friend once and now you are barely a friend at all. can i accept that? i've been fighting it. refusing to accept reality. but now it is time to let go of refusing to accept reality and choose to face the consequences of this change. The friendship is over, isn't it?

I have to let you go.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

The internet is a lonely place at 3:30 in the morning.

Why am I awake, you might ask? I have no good answer. Too much thinking to be done. Also too much caffeine consumed to stop an asthma attack a few hours ago, so no sleep in sight.

I am thinking about people tonight. There are a lot of people in the world who are worth loving. Every person you meet on the street has something about them that makes them lovable, no matter who they are, because they are a human being, a child of God. Isn't that just amazing to think about? I think so.

There are so many interactions we have day to day that it's easy for me to forget that as complex as I am, and as little as I know of myself, the person who made my sandwich at Panera Bread tonight is JUST as complex. The person who delivered my mail, the person who drove like a grandpa in front of me, the person who picked out flowers with me, the person who checked my pulse. Each is an entirely whole human beings with more to know than can possibly be known.

I am in awe.

Dearest J.
I do not feel cool enough, or smart enough to be worthy of being your friend, that's why I have trouble talking to you. It sounds like a pretty thin excuse, but it's true. You are an amazing, beautiful, smart, collected woman, and even though I suck at showing it, you are loved, truly. I think about you often, hoping things are well, praying that you will somehow remember that this too shall pass.

E.
I spent an evening with you tonight and am reminded of what a simply beautiful soul you have. I am envious, truly. I don't know if I've ever met a kinder, more generous person in my life. You work so hard to make the people around you feel loved and appreciated without ever thinking of yourself. YOU are loved and appreciated.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I get desperately lonely

Charlize is watching a movie in one room, on the other end of the house Cadence is asleep with her arms thrown over her head, and I am here in the middle, baby monitor pressed to my ear. You don't know it, but I wish you were here. My heart aches for the time when we used to talk long into the night, sharing secrets, comforting one another, teaching each other important life lessons. You're gone now. Part of life is moving on from things, from people, but I never thought you would move on from me. When I was a kid, I thought friendships were meant to last forever. When did I stop being a kid?

Monday, March 07, 2011

it's a beautiful day!

so, i went shopping the other day, and i looked at baby clothes and decorating aides and even scrapbook stuff, but i couldn't bring myself to spend my money aimlessly. it was incredibly disheartening. normally shopping = catharsis, but alas, i couldn't justify spending the money! i have no idea what is wrong with me. maybe i will try again today.

ANYway, it's gorgeous outside. have you seen it? there is a dusting of snow still, in the places the sun hasn't reached yet, but i walked barefoot on the driveway and it was just lovely. le sigh, spring is around the bend. cue the daffodils.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I'm sure I must have something to say...

I sit here staring at this blank screen and my fingertips feel empty. I dislike this feeling. Feeling like I have nothing to say. Well, nothing worth saying anyway. I have a lot of history, like, a lot. And I have as much future as anyone I know, but how much of that is actually worth pondering right now? How much of that is worth spending the time I've got right now to write down? Isn't what's most important, the "here and now?" Living in the moment? That's the goal as of late.

There's food for thought. Here. And now.

It's quiet here. Nothing but the tap-tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. Not a lonely quiet though, a soft one, a calming quiet punctuated only by the occasional cough from this room, or the next, a remnant of the colds of last week. The tips of my fingers are chilly. I like it that way, especially because the rest of me is usually so hot, and now is no exception. I like the way it feels to touch my cheeks and pretend I can hear a tsssss noise, like a drop of cool water on a heated frying pan. I like the places my imagination goes. The room is disorganized. Cups of water with paintbrushes in them, piles of art books, magazines, sketchpads, boxes and bags full of crayons, colored pencils, pens, markers and the occasional box of "severe sinus congestion" pills surround me. A box of tissues, a cup of raspberry flavored tea, a pile of gluesticks. This is what my life looks like right now. And i love it.

There is a lot to be said for what the moment can give you, can teach you. And by "The Moment" I mean this one. This one right now. The only one you really have.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Lists

Things I Will Do When I Am No Longer Sickly
1. Blog more.
2. Have a photoshoot with the fabulous and beautiful Colleen
3. Get an exciting new haircut, i am so bored with my hair now.
4. Get out of the house!!! maybe i'll even...go SHOPPING!
5. See the kids again, I miss them so.
6. Start making art again. my week long hiatus has been far too long!
7. Paint those old windows outside in the garage, and make them look like art! (i want to make a headboard out of them)
8. Go for long walks with Lovely again so as to enjoy the FABULOUS new weather.
9. Learn how to make adorable and dainty hairbows for my new dark hair'd niece
10. Be able to smell things again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

him: The truth is still there, even if unfelt.
me: Which truth?
him: That you are important and beautiful.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Cadence


The call came at 2:22 this afternoon. there is a new Ogzewalla in our midst!


Before: Charlie Love is soooooo excited to go see her new baby sister. We picked up Saige from school and headed over to the hospital.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Highly Prized


This is my first page that i did for the sketchbook challenge, and the theme for january was "highly prized." One of the things i prize most is my journey to becoming a healthier, happier person, the journey to becoming the more real me. the big white rectangle on the left page is actually an envelope with a letter in it. the sketch is a picture of now-me kissing the cheek of little-me. yay!

portrait of the girl inside me. and an old journal page.


Saturday, January 22, 2011

i've just realized...


that i was a child. a little girl. what did that little girl do wrong? did she deserve it somehow? does any little girl? any child?

To love is to carry a vessel that can be lost or stolen.

"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering. Those are the risks. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly."

Friday, January 14, 2011

for nie nie


I don't normally include this, sometimes I feel like it detracts from the finished piece, but above is the original I used, from the beautiful and talented Stephanie Nielson's blog. (Go here to read her.)


And here is the finished product! This one was the most difficult so far; it had the most colors. And I have to tell you, it looked quite a lot like crap during the process. Cutting and gluing one color at a time seems to proceed very slowly and it looks rather awful right up until you paste the very last color (in this case, Janes red hair) and it brings the entire picture together. I think this is a metaphor for life. :)

Sunday, January 09, 2011

the battle.

it was awful, and then it was more awful, and then it was not so awful, and then it was brilliant! and then, i had to start thinking about doing it again, and it was awful.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

are you here looking for honesty?

If you're here today looking for art, you won't find any. Today is one of those days where I can't swallow the truth inside me any longer. I feel like I am choking to death on the reality that is, that I can't say out loud. Because let's be honest, who wants to hear it?

My life thus far, as short as it's been, has been kind of sucky. My experiences with love, with sex, with all those wonderful firsts that you're supposed to anticipate with twirling whirling butterflies, and experience in their own time, were ruined. Those firsts were stolen from me.

And now... let's just say that some days are harder than others.

Today is a hard one. Not because I'm feeling sorry for myself, longing for a life that is normal, or easier. Not tonight. Tonight I sit here with determination on my fingertips. I plan to share with you something that I have not wanted to share with anyone, something no one should ever have to share.

I have experience with abuse. This is not my secret, not anymore, but part of a necessary explanation that needs to come first. In the past year and a half or so, I have been slowly, steadily recovering memories of that past that for a time I knew nothing of. They are becoming a part of me again, these memories, and sometimes, for a while, I allow them to control me, rather than controlling them. Well tonight dear readers, I am taking control.

I recovered a memory some months ago of being drowned. Tortured actually, the technical term for what happened to me is called water-boarding. I was held under water in a bathtub until I lost consciousness and then I was revived. Over. And over. And over.

Now for my secret: I have not been able to step foot in a bathtub since I discovered this memory. That was months ago. I wash my hair in the sink, painfully. I put on deodorant, I apply lotion, but I have not been able to bring myself to bathe. I cannot stand the way it feels to touch my skin. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be clean. And then there is the part of me that wants to faint at the sound of running water, the part of me that swims through a dark cloud of haze when she feels water on her arms. My feet are filthy. I stink. My clothes stink. My skin is one giant blotch of acne. I am disgusting. I am terrified.

Tonight, I am taking back my body. I am taking back my memory. I am taking back my dignity. I will no longer allow this memory to control me. I will get in the bathtub and wash every ounce of crud off of my skin. I will stay in the bathtub, until the water goes cold, and then I will drain the water and run new water and do it again. I will stay in the water until I am no longer afraid, just bored. And then I will do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And every day until I am whole again.

I can beat this. I will beat this. I WIN.

two more!

Saige and Lovely

Charlie playing the piano

Friday, January 07, 2011