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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Just a Weaver

Benjamin Malacia Franklin

My life is but a weaving,
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
and I, in foolish pride,
forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
will God unroll the canvas
and explain the reasons why

the dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weavers hand
as threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

joy

1. rubbing shoulders with a friend as you sit next to them
2. christmas trees all lit up with colored lights
3. having someone run their hands through your hair
4. snuggling with a sweet little girl
5. a delicious truffle

Sunday, December 14, 2008

In The Deep

-Bird York

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Saturday, November 08, 2008

UGH

i HATE money.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

bah

sooooo i haven't been blogging much, for those (three) of you that actually read this. i got a job. a temporary job anyway. i get to go stay the nights with this superold adorable lady who is afraid of falling and breaking something when she has to go to the bathroom in the night. therefore, thus far, i have made 504 dollars for blissful christmas shopping by sleeping at night, and making a scrambled egg in the morning. i rock.

and so does ms. evelene. she tells me stories.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

october 16th


*sigh* so today is the day my grandmother died. i took the week off from seeing people and doing things that require social niceties. i always get quite irritable around this time of year. it comes around and unfailingly, i find myself thinking about how i should be better, how i want to make her proud. but i'm always just the same old kendra. alas.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Saturday, October 11, 2008

stereotypes

I am young, I don't smoke pot, or hate authority
I am christian, I don't hate gays
I am American, I don't hate immigrants or Muslims, and I don't eat at McDonalds. Ever.
I am white, I am not rich
I am an artist, I don't do drugs.
I am a virgin, I am not a prude.
I am Mormon, I am not married to anyone, let alone more than one person.

honestly...

things that make me intensely uncomfortable
  1. talking about sex in conjunction with any of my siblings
  2. collars...on people...in conjunction with my sibling
  3. being forced to eat more when i am FULL
  4. very very drunk people
  5. keeping secrets from my parents
  6. pretending i don't know something that i DO
  7. feet, when very close to me
  8. when people get overly nervous about something that i am also freaking out about *cough*heather*cough*
  9. taking an immediate dislike to someone
  10. mormon jokes
revised list of things that make me intensely uncomfortable
  1. last night

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

wow

red rover...is rough.

Monday, September 29, 2008

much better today!

no worries, the sun is shining and it's crisp like autumn. i am being productive (aka doing laundry and making art) and i now know that i look kind of cute with a side pontyail! hahaha! plus, i have some pineapple upside-down cake to eat!! if you haven't already, you should read/look at the recipe below!!! and i am going to c'ville today for POSTSECRET tickets!! YAY!! and i will get so see awesome shawnda!! yay again!! all in all, good day so far.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

angsty post, sorry

this blog is not cute and funny.

i feel honestly and truly, completely crazy today. i will look at something, like a line of poetry, and think it's genius, and then look at it again a few seconds later and wonder if it's the same line because it looks like it's made up of different words to me. i feel far away from what's going on around me, like right now, listening to the click click of the keys, not really sure what i'm saying. and the whole world is just a little bit skewed, like if i stand up too fast i might topple over, and my ponytail is on the side of my head to try and balance me out, but it's not working. and i feel angry and sad and my heart is racing for no reason other than that maybe my blood is rushing through me too fast. my stomach feels empty, even though i know it's not, and then all of a sudden i'm facing the wrong direction, not sure why, holding my head because i have a headache that wont go away no matter what i take, and i can't control my tears, and i don't even know why i'm crying. and my hair is too heavy for my head and i want to sleep but i know i wont be able, and it hurts to just lay there and lay there and not sleep. this feeling scares me. and my head hurts, and my heart hurts, and i don't think there's a medication that can fix this, can fix me.

i need a hug

ohmyfreakinggosh!

now those of you that know me, know that i do not cook, i bake. my newest discovery is this amazing recipe for Pineapple Upside-down Cake! it is heavenly. i asked my friend heather the food critic what she would rate it, and she unabashedly exclaimed 5 STARS!

therefore, INGREDIENTS:


  1. 6 ounces unsalted butter (i used salted, it really doesn't matter)
  2. 1 cup dark brown sugar
  3. 1/2 fresh pineapple, peeled, halved lengthwise, cored and cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
  4. 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  5. 2 teaspoons baking powder
  6. 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  7. 1/2 teaspoon salt
  8. 1 large egg
  9. 1/2 cup milk
DIRECTIONS:
  1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch round cake pan (my pan is heart shaped tee hee) with unflavored cooking spray.
  2. Melt 1 stick of the butter and set aside.
  3. In a small saucepan, melt the remaining 4 tablespoons of butter with the brown sugar over medium heat, about 3 minutes. Spread the butter-and-sugar mixture in the bottom of the prepared cake pan. Distribute the pineapple slices evenly over the mixture and set the pan aside.
  4. In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. In a medium bowl, beat together the egg, milk and the reserved melted butter. Stir the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients until well combined; the batter will be thick. Using a rubber spatula, scoop the batter into the cake pan, spreading it until it reaches the sides of the pan.
  5. Bake the cake until the top is golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 30 to 35 minutes.
  6. Let the cake cool for 15 minutes. (i know it's hard, you'll understand when you smell the smell, but you should actually wait, it gives the sugarbutter time to cool and harden into the yummy crust) Place a serving plate over the cake pan and invert. Slowly lift off the pan and serve.
AND THE END RESULT:
completely irresistible. i'm not even kidding.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

youth


about 4 years ago, my nephew came to me while i was taking a nap (three years old, looking about this cute) and started jumping up and down on my bed, talking about flying. about the places he would fly, and the things he would see. groggy, i said to him "saige, i don't think people can fly." he stopped jumping for a few seconds to say, in the cutest three-year old voice possible, "well...well i can!"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

*sigh*

kix float. so when you're mixing cereals, you have to pour them in last. otherwise your cereal tends to float to the top when you pour the milk and spills everywhere.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

tired

sometimes when i wake up in the middle of the night i find myself talking to myself. sometimes in random british, or scottish accents. tonight i sat up, 80% awake, and was talking about something, (i can't remember what) in a distinct southern drawl. i worried for a moment that these new kendra-isms might actually be symptoms of something serious, like schezophrenia or something. (still 20% asleep mind you) and so i said to myself "whats your name" and when the reply came "kendra" i was relieved.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

RANT



sooo i was really angry, and my face got all hot and my ears turned red while i was doing this video. and there's a weird echo in my room. *sigh* but i feel a little better.

my first video!



sooo i was super bored, and just playing with my mac, when i discovered that i can make videos. this is actually my third video, and i still sort of stink at it. there's a weird echo/repeat thing at the end of each little...chapter. i don't know why. ::shrugs:: and really i made this so forrest could bear witness to my strange and interesting mannerisms. to show him that i'm really not that adorable. more like really irritating. alas, along came Ike. i hate ike. AND the video is kind of crud anyway. oh well. sigh. it still makes me laugh at myself.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

crazy/beautiful

sometimes i feel crazy. like seriously. i spell out words i hear, or see, with my big toe. people don't really notice, and if they do, they tend to just think i'm fidgity, but its like an obsessive compulsive thing. i don't have as many of those as i used to. i eat things in even numbers. like m&m's. if there is just one left at the end of the bag, i give it to someone else or throw it away. i make lists compulsively. especially when i'm nervous. when i went in for my very first grown-up doctor's appointment, i made a list of all the things i could think of that make up a person's individual smell. as follows:

Things That Determine Your Smell
1. perfume/cologne
2. laundry detergent
3. fabric softener
4. shampoo/contditioner
5. body wash
6. soap
7. deodorant
8. air fresheners
9. city vs. country
10. home materials (old wood, or new lumber etc.)
11. pets
12. lotions
13. body odor!
14. heat/air conditioning
15. cleaning products
16. how often you clean
17. hair spray/gel
18. hobbies (swimming/gardening etc)
19. the water you bathe in/drink

thats all i got, cuz then they called me back, but as you can see, it's a bit of an obsession, my list-making. and maybe those are just some of my eccentricities, things that make me all the more loveable. but most of the time i really do feel crazy. being LDS, and having no other real aspirations other than to marry, have children, and raise them. not so much that fact, as telling people and "the look" that you get sometimes. and when i go out in a good mood, people smile at me like i'm something funny. *sigh* and now i'm on some medications to make me a little more predictable, and so sometimes trying to remember that i could be a lot more crazy just isn't enough to make me feel better. i suppose that is why i have postsecret.

i'm not exactly sure why this secret spoke to me so strongly, but it was as if the sender was talking about ME! i was so touched that i stopped and stared at it for a few minutes. it made my jaw drop, and i actually started to cry a little bit. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i really am quite crazy, or maybe it's that it was a heartfelt, handwritten secret, from someone who really truly loves this other crazy-someone, and truly thinks she's a beautiful person, and that is amazing! she's so lucky! and she might as well be me, for how many friends i have despite my crazy!
anywhooo, no matter what my strange reasoning was, here is it. a secret that changed my mood, changed my day, changed my life in some way.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I Hate Ike

That's all for now.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

things that irritate me

1. when people chew gum like cows
2. when people drive slow in the fast lane
3. waiting
4. brussel sprouts
5. watching only the first half of a movie or a show (missing bits)
6. when good guys turn out actually to be bad guys :-\
7. being hot

Things That Make Me Happy
1. rainbows
2. filet mignon
3. a boy
4. trees
5. photgraphs
6. wind chimes
7. galoshes
8. the number 8
9. that my "i like list" is much longer than my "irritates me" list
10. there's more but i'm bored now.

Monday, September 08, 2008

bluh

so, i was bored. and i trrrried to make a movie. and it wouldn't upload. so, whatev. i'm in a bit of a crap mood. i havent talked to the mister today, OR yesterday, which bums me out. but i know he's a smarty pants, and busy with school and things. which is good. pfffft. also there was a hurricane. he's busy with post-hurricane busy stuff. i've suddenly realized that i am that girl that talks about her boyfriend all the time. thats so lame. shame on me.

unfortunately thats all i got. maybe i'll think of something to write a little later when i'm in a better mood. <3

Friday, September 05, 2008

insomnia

so, i was having panic attacks, along with a myriad of other issues, only some of which can be considered psychological. long story short, i am trying out a medication that has cost me my ability to sleep. it's not that i'm not tired. oh no. but i slip into the familiar, comfortable cocoon that is my bed, with my hand-made quilt with its soft fringed edges, and i lie there. and i turn over and i lie there. and the bed that was a comfortable relief at twelve thirty becomes like a sentence. i start to feel trapped, and i am hot and no matter how i lie, i cannot stay comfortable, or cool, for more than three minutes. until i find myself thrashing and tangled in the covers, so frustrated with myself that i throw them off at five thirty in the morning and turn the lights back on. i can't sleep.

whats up with that? sleep and i are pals. good friends. we used to spend a lot of time together. no, seriously. if sleep were a person i would marry him. and now he's over there, ::points:: hangin' out with Absolute Zero, Perfection, and my unborn children. things we think exist, but may never quite be able to reach. i'm sorry that analogy (metaphor?) sucks, it's five thirty in the morning and i havent slept in three days.

in that light, i will make a new list. because it is what i do to ease the anxiety. so!

movies you should never see
1. Teeth- just trust me on this one. this movie will make you want to never watch a movie ever again. (it is the only movie in the history of movies that i have ever stopped watching because it was so awful.)
2. Georgia Rule- two words "beefy popcorn" because thats what entertained my friends and i while this movie was playing. the strange tasting popcorn that out of desperation and boredom we started THROWING AT EACH OTHER.
3. spiderman three- i don't care what kind of pheremones you are putting out, any scrawny guy with bad hair that walks around town doing pelvic thrusts at random girls thinking he is a bad a. cannot be an effective bad guy. i'm sorry. you lose.

thats all i got folks. that was actually really hard for me. i think my brain is broken.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

nap


"and please remember me, as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior"

-the trapeze swinger, iron and wine

Sunday, August 31, 2008

::is worried::



A little insight
inside my head: swirling whirling panic
outside my head: the news reports
color: white, like a stormy sky
smell: clean
taste: chewing my lip
mood: this one is too hard to answer, i may just eliminate it in the future
looking forward to: that eventual conversation
to avoid: invasive questions
carer choice: stay at home mom
wishing: he would call
fear: that wishing makes me "that girl"
craving: affection

the most awful thing about it is that if something horrible happens, no one will know to tell me. stupid storm. stupid girl.

Monday, August 18, 2008

"what if there was only one choice,"

and all the other ones were wrong, and there were signs along the way to pay attention to?"
"well all the choices would then lead to this very moment."

Saturday, August 16, 2008

things about me:

i love pineapple.
i HATE stewed tomatoes
i HATE being patient. i don't like waiting
i am a bona fide sci-fi geek
i disapprove of sweating
i can't remember how to divide
i like fire
i love cooking desserts
i cry at movies
calvin and hobbes is my favorite comic.
i watch tv on my computer instead of on the tv

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

there's a bird. stuck in the house. somewhere

Thursday, July 31, 2008

bambi







Flower: [about two birds fluttering around] Well! What's the matter with them?
Thumper: Why are they acting that way?
Friend Owl: Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated.
Flower, Bambi, Thumper: Twitterpated?
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!
Thumper: Gosh, that's awful.
Flower: Gee whiz.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

morning lullabies

yesterday i woke up
with your head on my arm.
my hand was numb, circulation gone
but i dared not move the pretty sleeping one.
sun had painted patterns on your face,
as you breathed the sunday air
you rolled onto my open arm,
i became your pillow,
you let me smooth your hair.
i will sing you morning lullabies,
you are beautiful and peaceful this way

~Ingrid Michaelson

Sunday, July 20, 2008

thank heaven



for little girls


Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.
Joseph Addison

Monday, July 14, 2008

You really can't see the dark side. When I was a kid I thought that just I couldn't see it because I wasn't looking hard enough. This proves it. I has a lot of strange notions as a kid.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

water kisses


fells like
being
underwater
Now that I've
let go
And lost control
Water kisses
fill my mouth
Water
fills my soul

Thursday, July 10, 2008

what about my dream?

"It is exactly because life is a series of confrontations with the mundane that we observe so little, and therefore the artist’s role becomes not to illustrate the fantastic, but rather to illuminate the obvious."
..........................
A little insight
inside my head: a maze of thoughts
outside my head: the zing zing of the slinkey
color: strawberry red
smell: baby powder
taste: ranch dressing
mood: contemplative
looking forward to: tomorrow's adventure
to avoid: why avoid the inevitable?
career choice: stay at home mom
wishing: "if you could meet anyone in the world, living or dead, real or fictional, who would it be?"
"my husband. like right now, that would be awesome."
fear: :-x
craving: snuggles
**************************
what about everything?

Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some reason me
The hometown harbor lights bright, the sailboats clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high on this pier
I find it hard to complain when compared with what about...

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
What about...
What about aliens? What about you and me and...
What about gold beneath the sea?
What about...
What about when buildings fall?
What about that midnight phone call...
The one that wakes you from your peace?
Well, I am not, I am not, I am not in need

Monday, July 07, 2008

roller coaster

long nights and hot days. playing in the pool with my sister, new old hoodies, and long hair. yellow shirts, polka dotted flip flops, care bear band-aids, blue rimmed mirrors, and photo blogs. :-D
.................................................
Unlike Me Kate Havnevik
There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster
................................................
A little insight
inside my head: dizzy
outside my head: bright lights
color: faded pink
smell: cigarette smoke
taste: mouth
mood: strange
looking forward to: talking with someone
to avoid: people
career choice: painter
wishing: that i could paint
fear: being naive forever
craving: pineapple

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Friday, July 04, 2008

water is the best























i want to do more pictures with water

Thursday, July 03, 2008

adorable

the rest of my life



My niece is almost two years old, and I have been teaching her how to blow bubbles. She can do it if I hold her face and point her mouth in the right direction. Most of the time I blow the bubbles. She gets this look on her face like an excited puppy and says to me "I'll go get it!" before she proceeds to chase after the bubbles and try to catch one to bring back to me.

I won't say the only thing, but by far, the most important thing that school has taught me is that this, taking pictures, swinging on swingsets, drawing with sidewalk chalk, and blowing bubbles, this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to be a mom.

......................................
A little insight
inside my head: swish swish like flying back and forth
outside my head: the trapeze swinger by iron and wine
color: yellow, orange and then pink. acid free, photo safe glue stick
mood: nostalgic, and also wistful
smell: soap
taste: clean water
looking forward to: tomorrow
to avoid: a career in massage therapy
career choice: professional bubble blower
wishing: the dreams would stop for a while
fear: that they will always be just dreams
craving: affection
..................................................

A King and Queen
Be the princess in that stone tower,
crying for that handsome butcher's plight
(and, as some princess might,
she still calls him a knight.)
But the best thing for you would be queen,
so be queen.
You're all that I need.
Though I know that it never can be,
I'd be pleased
to post your decrees,
to fall at your knees,
to name all your streets
and to sit down and weep
when you're carried back through them and set down to sleep,
and to lie by your side for sublime centuries
(until we crumble to dust when we're crushed by a single sun)
...
If you want to see and be seen,
then be seen.
Your dress is dark red
and your opening eyes are bright green.
Make a scene,
but don't lie on the bed,
laid out like you're dead,
because honey, you're murdering me.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

samantha's eyes.



summer rain is my favorite. cuz it starts out muggy and you feel miserable and you can't imagine how the day could possibly be salvaged because it's too hot to even breathe outdoors, and then its like the air sighs because she just can't hold it in anymore, and suddenly it's pouring, cool, puddles, and rainbows because it's sunny still. and then the mist rises from the ground because the pavement is still so hot. it's magical.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

i deleted all my teenage posts, and so now it says i joined yesterday!


No more angsty posts. I am tired of being angsty. :-p

Everyone is different! Isn't it amazing?! Can you just imagine what it would be like to be someone else? What it would be like to wake up in the morning and see someone else's face in the mirror? Have someone else's thoughts, experiences, clothes, likes, dislikes, childhood memories, pet peeves, cravings, body, trials?? Just imagine. Pick someone you hate, and just imagine.

I am...small. I have trouble making decisions. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. That's not true, I take it back. I have no idea what I WILL do with my life. I do not know how to explain myself or the things I feel. Sometimes I feel like the world is too big for me. Sometimes it is too small. I think i have accepted that I am okay at art. ::nods::

--------------------------------------------
Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say,
I think I should write down,
don't wanna forget come daylight.
..................................................................
a little insight
inside my head: mercifully empty
outside my head: unbearably messy
color: yellow, like legal pad
smell: pineapple (it usually is)
taste: chocolate
mood: chill.
looking forward to: the mail in 1-3 days!
to avoid: high fructose corn syrup?
career choice: pianist
wishing: that i could play the piano
fear: alzheimers
craving: rest