Today is a day for introspection.

The time stamp on these posts is always, always wrong.

I had little patience today for unkind people. My sweet egg friend said to me "you're interesting tonight." I wasn't sure what that meant, and she pointed out that when people had barely started to annoy me (speaking unkindly of others, talking to me like i was a child and making me feel stupid) I was done with them immediately. I don't get this way often, I am non-confrontational, but I think it's because all day today, as I ironed, cut, and sewed, ironed, cut and sewed, ironed, cut and sewed, I was thinking about people.

In high school, there was an extremely small number of people that I trusted with my truth. (I say it was "my truth" rather than THE truth because it was the truth as best as I understood it inside my little soul, a truth that was not as accurate as it should have been.)

It started with one friend, Kate. she was wonderful and accepting, and she believed me. In a moment of desperation, overwhelmed with the feeling of letting go of my deep, dark secret, I told a group of her friends - kids I barely knew - during a game of truth or dare what had happened to me. I then immediately got scared, and took it all back. I told these few people that was I had told them was a lie. After all, better to be a liar than a victim, and everyone already thought I was a liar, so no big right?

I cannot even imagine the pain I caused these people, not to mention the pain I inflicted upon myself burying the truth deeper and deeper into the infected wound that was my body and soul.

I have been searching for some words, some kind of... salve to apply to this metaphorical wound, some apology to offer these people, some way of coming to terms with the trust that I (for lack of a better word) abused. I have been searching for a way to pay restitution, and finding neither the courage, nor the magic words, the best I can do is an attempt from now on at complete honesty.

If this ends up being a letter to myself, that's fine. If any, or all of those young people who took me into their circle of truth or dare, somehow happen to read this, that's okay too. No more lies. No more hiding. What happened, happened. There is no taking it back this time, no pretending it didn't.

1. I was abused by some of my classmates. 2. I reached out to people for help and then I pushed them away.

I can't change these facts. What i CAN change is where i go from here. I can use what I've experienced to motivate myself to go forward with kindness. I choose to be honest. I choose to look for the good in every situation, and I choose to have no patience for the unkind. That is all I can manage today.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell Ten People

1. that really hurt, what you said. it was brutal. maybe it was your truth, but i still think you could be wrong.

2. i HATE being stood up. thanks. it is becoming really difficult for me to give you the benefit of the doubt.

3. if i were the type to marry a girl. i would choose you. you are amazing. i know you don't believe it, but it's true.

4. i loved you once, but i'm not sure i do anymore. i'm sorry.

5. i know i fall hard, but i don't think that is a thing you should plan on "fixing" about me. it's just who i am. and that is okay.

6. your hugs are physically painful. this is unacceptable.

7. there is a reason why i seem so useless. i wish i could tell you what it is. i wish i knew that you would be strong for me.

8. i HATE it when you talk about people that way. you are just as flawed as any of them.

9. i think i love you.

10. you will never hurt me, ever again. i won't let you.



**siiiigh**

crazy/beautiful

sometimes i feel crazy. like seriously. i spell out words i hear, or see, with my big toe. people don't really notice, and if they do, they tend to just think i'm fidgity, but its like an obsessive compulsive thing. i don't have as many of those as i used to. i eat things in even numbers. like m&m's. if there is just one left at the end of the bag, i give it to someone else or throw it away. i make lists compulsively. especially when i'm nervous. when i went in for my very first grown-up doctor's appointment, i made a list of all the things i could think of that make up a person's individual smell. as follows:

Things That Determine Your Smell
1. perfume/cologne
2. laundry detergent
3. fabric softener
4. shampoo/contditioner
5. body wash
6. soap
7. deodorant
8. air fresheners
9. city vs. country
10. home materials (old wood, or new lumber etc.)
11. pets
12. lotions
13. body odor!
14. heat/air conditioning
15. cleaning products
16. how often you clean
17. hair spray/gel
18. hobbies (swimming/gardening etc)
19. the water you bathe in/drink

thats all i got, cuz then they called me back, but as you can see, it's a bit of an obsession, my list-making. and maybe those are just some of my eccentricities, things that make me all the more loveable. but most of the time i really do feel crazy. being LDS, and having no other real aspirations other than to marry, have children, and raise them. not so much that fact, as telling people and "the look" that you get sometimes. and when i go out in a good mood, people smile at me like i'm something funny. *sigh* and now i'm on some medications to make me a little more predictable, and so sometimes trying to remember that i could be a lot more crazy just isn't enough to make me feel better. i suppose that is why i have postsecret.

i'm not exactly sure why this secret spoke to me so strongly, but it was as if the sender was talking about ME! i was so touched that i stopped and stared at it for a few minutes. it made my jaw drop, and i actually started to cry a little bit. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i really am quite crazy, or maybe it's that it was a heartfelt, handwritten secret, from someone who really truly loves this other crazy-someone, and truly thinks she's a beautiful person, and that is amazing! she's so lucky! and she might as well be me, for how many friends i have despite my crazy!
anywhooo, no matter what my strange reasoning was, here is it. a secret that changed my mood, changed my day, changed my life in some way.