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Saturday, July 23, 2011

"no offense, but..."

So tonight I drove for 90 minutes to spend 15 of those minutes with a friend. I didn't mind doing it. I figured it would break up my night, and make me feel needed, which is always nice for me. I was low on gas, trying to decide which gas station to stop at when I mentioned that gas stations make me uncomfortable, and the response I got was, "As many things do."

Even though I was a little uncomfortable with his statement, I laughed it off, saying "not THAT many things bother me... just some." his response was to list a few of the things that get under my skin, people, the dark, gas stations, the police. Even though the list could have been a great deal longer, and he stopped short of public bathrooms, grocery stores, buses, and having people walk behind me, his words hurt. Quite a lot more than I would have imagined for such a seemingly harmless exchange. The tears stung as they welled up in my eyes, but I did not allow myself to cry there in the car with him.

Why did what he said bother me so much?

Here's what I think. I think I was abused. I had gasoline poured over my head, and a lighter flicked in my face, another human being threatening to send me up in flames. Is it seriously surprising that the smell of gasoline makes me want to puke? But hey, I deal with it. I go to the gas station and I pump my gas like any normal, undamaged person. Who cares if gas stations don't make me happy? Is that justification to point out the many other things I'm afraid of for similar reasons?

I walk my dog in the dark, I go grocery shopping, I use public restrooms, hell, I get up in the morning and leave my house and talk to people. I function. I am dealing with what I went through.

I am healing. And I think I'm doing a pretty darn fine job of it, thankyouverymuch.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Dearest Children

Charlize,
You are about to start kindergarten, and you are learning to write your name, and anything else anyone will spell for you. You LOVE to write. I hope this lasts. You love to have your hair done, and to get dolled up and look pretty! And you always have me take a picture of your hair so that you can see it. I love that I get to play with your hair!
Charlie, you are very shy around new people, and I worry about you and starting school. What if when the teacher talks to you, you stare blankly ahead, pretending you are a statue, like you do to anyone you don't know? Or, let's be honest, to anyone who says or asks something you don't like. I worry that I have not prepared you enough for what's to come. I know it's not entirely my job to prepare you, but I feel like I have been a significant part of your life thus far, and I just hope I have been a good influence. What do you think? Do you know that you are loved by me? Do you feel important, even though you were afraid of being the middle child? Do you feel smart, and pretty, and capable? Because you are, so much of every one of those things! You are SUCH a special girl, and I wish I knew that the world would treat you that way, forever and ever. You have changed my life, for the better.

Love always,
Aunt Kendra





Saige,
You are SUCH an amazing boy. Sometimes when I see other little boys, even the good ones, I am reminded of how very lucky we all are to have you in our family. You gripe sometimes, but what little boy doesn't? What I really want to know, is how many little boys do you know that love their sisters as much as you do? How many little boys will sit in the back seat of a car, with a DS sitting on his lap and spend the entire half hour drive, not playing with it, but trying to make his baby sister laugh? And succeeding! No one makes her laugh like you do. Grandma says it is because she can feel your love for her, and I think she's right. You have a lot of love to give Saige, and I hope you always keep your heart open, the way it is when you talk to Cady. If you show the world how much love is in your heart, I know it will love you right back, the way I do. I am so lucky to know you and be a part of your life!

Love always,
Aunt Kendra



Cadence,
You are the baby, and you won't remember these things when you're bigger, so I wanted to write some of them down. You never stop moving unless you are asleep. You want to go where your big brother and sister go, and you desperately want to get on the ground and play with the dog. You stand as much as you can (with a little help, and you are just starting to scooch around on your belly, so crawling can't be far off. I dread trying to keep up with you. You smile at everything! Nobody can see you giggle and not giggle right back at you. This will be a major asset to you if you keep it up. You are intensely friendly, and everyone feels special when you smile at them. You also love to swing. I don't know where I would be sometimes without that baby swing! Right now you have two little teeth on the bottom of your mouth! They are just the cutest things, but you are not a happy camper when you are teething. Though what baby is, I suppose. You almost never cry, unless you really need something, or you are in pain. You just like to spend your time smiling away, you even smile in your sleep. I feel so lucky to be able to spend so much time with you, watching you grow and learning all about you. I love you dearly, and treasure these moments with you with all my heart.

Love always,
Aunt Kendra