a late night drive in the hot spring

smells:
1. firecrackers, metallic and pungent
2. fabric softener from someone's laundry room
3. the remnants of a backyard barbecue
4. and the pervasive smell of honeysuckle

oh, to be alive.

for cadence and charlize

I am not sure how I feel about this piece. It feels like something's missing. what do you think?

Yesterday was possibly one of the hardest days I've ever experienced. And if you know me, you know I've gone through some hard days.

so to make it easier, a list. because lists soothe me:

1. Your legs are a foot longer than mine and you like to walk fast.
2. I disapprove of sweating.
3. You view drawing as a chore
4. well, you know
5. you tried to teach me that I'm worth loving, that I'm beautiful for what's inside, and that you are not the only man who will ever love me.
6. I believed you better than I have ever believed anyone.
7. it is likely that baking bread will forever remind me of you
8. you live in your head
9. i live in my heart
10. both of those places are okay places to be, but they do not make us particularly compatible.
11. i will always love you.

"acceptance is the only way out of hell"

"pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain."

"to accept something is not the same as judging it good."

okay pain, i accept you. i accept that you exist. i accept that there is probably nothing i can do to make you any less of what you are, which is painful.

i accept that things change. i accept that people change. i accept that change hurts.

can i accept THIS change? "to accept something is not the same as judging it good." change, you suck. you are not something i asked for, you are not something i want. change, i wish you would go away and die. but i can accept that you have come for me. i can accept that this change has happened.

we grew apart. you were my best friend once and now you are barely a friend at all. can i accept that? i've been fighting it. refusing to accept reality. but now it is time to let go of refusing to accept reality and choose to face the consequences of this change. The friendship is over, isn't it?

I have to let you go.

The internet is a lonely place at 3:30 in the morning.

Why am I awake, you might ask? I have no good answer. Too much thinking to be done. Also too much caffeine consumed to stop an asthma attack a few hours ago, so no sleep in sight.

I am thinking about people tonight. There are a lot of people in the world who are worth loving. Every person you meet on the street has something about them that makes them lovable, no matter who they are, because they are a human being, a child of God. Isn't that just amazing to think about? I think so.

There are so many interactions we have day to day that it's easy for me to forget that as complex as I am, and as little as I know of myself, the person who made my sandwich at Panera Bread tonight is JUST as complex. The person who delivered my mail, the person who drove like a grandpa in front of me, the person who picked out flowers with me, the person who checked my pulse. Each is an entirely whole human beings with more to know than can possibly be known.

I am in awe.

Dearest J.
I do not feel cool enough, or smart enough to be worthy of being your friend, that's why I have trouble talking to you. It sounds like a pretty thin excuse, but it's true. You are an amazing, beautiful, smart, collected woman, and even though I suck at showing it, you are loved, truly. I think about you often, hoping things are well, praying that you will somehow remember that this too shall pass.

E.
I spent an evening with you tonight and am reminded of what a simply beautiful soul you have. I am envious, truly. I don't know if I've ever met a kinder, more generous person in my life. You work so hard to make the people around you feel loved and appreciated without ever thinking of yourself. YOU are loved and appreciated.