So tonight I drove for 90 minutes to spend 15 of those minutes with a friend. I didn't mind doing it. I figured it would break up my night, and make me feel needed, which is always nice for me. I was low on gas, trying to decide which gas station to stop at when I mentioned that gas stations make me uncomfortable, and the response I got was, "As many things do."
Even though I was a little uncomfortable with his statement, I laughed it off, saying "not THAT many things bother me... just some." his response was to list a few of the things that get under my skin, people, the dark, gas stations, the police. Even though the list could have been a great deal longer, and he stopped short of public bathrooms, grocery stores, buses, and having people walk behind me, his words hurt. Quite a lot more than I would have imagined for such a seemingly harmless exchange. The tears stung as they welled up in my eyes, but I did not allow myself to cry there in the car with him.
Why did what he said bother me so much?
Here's what I think. I think I was abused. I had gasoline poured over my head, and a lighter flicked in my face, another human being threatening to send me up in flames. Is it seriously surprising that the smell of gasoline makes me want to puke? But hey, I deal with it. I go to the gas station and I pump my gas like any normal, undamaged person. Who cares if gas stations don't make me happy? Is that justification to point out the many other things I'm afraid of for similar reasons?
I walk my dog in the dark, I go grocery shopping, I use public restrooms, hell, I get up in the morning and leave my house and talk to people. I function. I am dealing with what I went through.
I am healing. And I think I'm doing a pretty darn fine job of it, thankyouverymuch.