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Saturday, July 23, 2011

"no offense, but..."

So tonight I drove for 90 minutes to spend 15 of those minutes with a friend. I didn't mind doing it. I figured it would break up my night, and make me feel needed, which is always nice for me. I was low on gas, trying to decide which gas station to stop at when I mentioned that gas stations make me uncomfortable, and the response I got was, "As many things do."

Even though I was a little uncomfortable with his statement, I laughed it off, saying "not THAT many things bother me... just some." his response was to list a few of the things that get under my skin, people, the dark, gas stations, the police. Even though the list could have been a great deal longer, and he stopped short of public bathrooms, grocery stores, buses, and having people walk behind me, his words hurt. Quite a lot more than I would have imagined for such a seemingly harmless exchange. The tears stung as they welled up in my eyes, but I did not allow myself to cry there in the car with him.

Why did what he said bother me so much?

Here's what I think. I think I was abused. I had gasoline poured over my head, and a lighter flicked in my face, another human being threatening to send me up in flames. Is it seriously surprising that the smell of gasoline makes me want to puke? But hey, I deal with it. I go to the gas station and I pump my gas like any normal, undamaged person. Who cares if gas stations don't make me happy? Is that justification to point out the many other things I'm afraid of for similar reasons?

I walk my dog in the dark, I go grocery shopping, I use public restrooms, hell, I get up in the morning and leave my house and talk to people. I function. I am dealing with what I went through.

I am healing. And I think I'm doing a pretty darn fine job of it, thankyouverymuch.

7 comments:

Exhale said...

I find that everything that comes after "no offense" usualy does offend. No problem being uncomfy with different situations everyone is. Who ever came up with the phrase "time heals all wounds" obviously never had emotional wounds. Im new to blogging wrote my first today, so follow me please.!

(Girl from) Winter Jargon said...

Hello. I just stumbled upon your blog completely by accident, but your post got my attention, and I now feel compelled to 'comment'... Your friend 'probably' didn't mean to cause any upset. I doubt it was deliberate. But I do know how you feel in a way. My personal gripe is when you get the distinct impression from people that they feel you ought to have 'moved on' from something, or should be 'over it.' But after how long? One year? A decade? Well it's not up to anyone to say how quickly you can recover from something - if ever. It may always effect you, but like you say - it doesn't mean you have to give in to it. When people haven't gone through the same thing themselves, they don't really have any right to judge and even then - no two persons will handle something in the exact same way. People are different.

Sabrina Entertainment said...

I have no clue how I found your blog, but I am glad I did. To read that you went through so much is sad. I like how you are dealing with it though and honestly that gives me hope! I hope you continue to stay strong and face you deepest of fears like you are doing. You truly are a very courageous person <3

justanotherface said...

I can definatley relate to your post. I haven't gone through the same things as you, but I do know how you feel when people say things that you know shouldn't really hurt you, but then they do. And that person may just not realize it and you really try to be a strong person, but it's always not that easy. Sometimes after all you've been through, your soo strong and you keep trying to get through everyday that all it takes is one person to say something like that to break you. I hope your coping with everything alot better. And if you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here. you know how to find me, i'll follow you! Leah by the way :)

christianna said...

i realy enjoyed your blog i have aa blog too and it is called being real in a plastic world im also going to check back in later and be your newest follower keep up amazing work and please visit my blog

Pete said...

From what I can tell the rest of the comments came from other women. I would like to provide a man's point of view.

First off, I apologize for all men everywhere. We can certainly be unthinking, uncaring bastards who don't know when to shut up.

Second off, thank you for being the kind of friend who would drive 90 minutes to spend 15. Someone like that is truely special and shouldn't be taken advantage of anyway. Rather than pointing out that you have problems with things other than gas stations, he should have offered to let you stay in the car and he will fill the tank for you. He should pay for it also as you made the drive to visit him.

Just my two cents. Hope things get better.

Le Misérable said...

Hi hun,

You are a strong, smart woman and anyone who even so much as thinks differently knows nothing about you or life in general. We often mistake and mix up feelings and never quite know how it must feel, it being anything under the sun that someone else is or has gone through. We compare things with our situation if we can relate to them, we critically analyze them, we twist, poke and shed out individual post-mortem reports based on a number of facts, pseudo facts, assumptions and what not. First off, we should stop judging NOW! Only cuz we never really now what it feels to be someone! Anyway, wow you are one great friend and the fact that you even regarded his comments with such respect and started the post with 'no offence'. WOW! lady, you make me wanna change! I'm happy for you that you're doing so well after having been in the same frame with such a coward!, and hopes and dreams are soo alive in your big, beautiful heart. You're a fucking amazing person and an inspiration, just know it! Love you a tonne for posting this, I just happened to be here after pushing the 'next blog' button on my blog.

Take care and stir up a storm, you're capable of it. <33

Pooja/India.