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Sunday, September 14, 2008

crazy/beautiful

sometimes i feel crazy. like seriously. i spell out words i hear, or see, with my big toe. people don't really notice, and if they do, they tend to just think i'm fidgity, but its like an obsessive compulsive thing. i don't have as many of those as i used to. i eat things in even numbers. like m&m's. if there is just one left at the end of the bag, i give it to someone else or throw it away. i make lists compulsively. especially when i'm nervous. when i went in for my very first grown-up doctor's appointment, i made a list of all the things i could think of that make up a person's individual smell. as follows:

Things That Determine Your Smell
1. perfume/cologne
2. laundry detergent
3. fabric softener
4. shampoo/contditioner
5. body wash
6. soap
7. deodorant
8. air fresheners
9. city vs. country
10. home materials (old wood, or new lumber etc.)
11. pets
12. lotions
13. body odor!
14. heat/air conditioning
15. cleaning products
16. how often you clean
17. hair spray/gel
18. hobbies (swimming/gardening etc)
19. the water you bathe in/drink

thats all i got, cuz then they called me back, but as you can see, it's a bit of an obsession, my list-making. and maybe those are just some of my eccentricities, things that make me all the more loveable. but most of the time i really do feel crazy. being LDS, and having no other real aspirations other than to marry, have children, and raise them. not so much that fact, as telling people and "the look" that you get sometimes. and when i go out in a good mood, people smile at me like i'm something funny. *sigh* and now i'm on some medications to make me a little more predictable, and so sometimes trying to remember that i could be a lot more crazy just isn't enough to make me feel better. i suppose that is why i have postsecret.

i'm not exactly sure why this secret spoke to me so strongly, but it was as if the sender was talking about ME! i was so touched that i stopped and stared at it for a few minutes. it made my jaw drop, and i actually started to cry a little bit. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i really am quite crazy, or maybe it's that it was a heartfelt, handwritten secret, from someone who really truly loves this other crazy-someone, and truly thinks she's a beautiful person, and that is amazing! she's so lucky! and she might as well be me, for how many friends i have despite my crazy!
anywhooo, no matter what my strange reasoning was, here is it. a secret that changed my mood, changed my day, changed my life in some way.

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