wow

red rover...is rough.

much better today!

no worries, the sun is shining and it's crisp like autumn. i am being productive (aka doing laundry and making art) and i now know that i look kind of cute with a side pontyail! hahaha! plus, i have some pineapple upside-down cake to eat!! if you haven't already, you should read/look at the recipe below!!! and i am going to c'ville today for POSTSECRET tickets!! YAY!! and i will get so see awesome shawnda!! yay again!! all in all, good day so far.

angsty post, sorry

this blog is not cute and funny.

i feel honestly and truly, completely crazy today. i will look at something, like a line of poetry, and think it's genius, and then look at it again a few seconds later and wonder if it's the same line because it looks like it's made up of different words to me. i feel far away from what's going on around me, like right now, listening to the click click of the keys, not really sure what i'm saying. and the whole world is just a little bit skewed, like if i stand up too fast i might topple over, and my ponytail is on the side of my head to try and balance me out, but it's not working. and i feel angry and sad and my heart is racing for no reason other than that maybe my blood is rushing through me too fast. my stomach feels empty, even though i know it's not, and then all of a sudden i'm facing the wrong direction, not sure why, holding my head because i have a headache that wont go away no matter what i take, and i can't control my tears, and i don't even know why i'm crying. and my hair is too heavy for my head and i want to sleep but i know i wont be able, and it hurts to just lay there and lay there and not sleep. this feeling scares me. and my head hurts, and my heart hurts, and i don't think there's a medication that can fix this, can fix me.

i need a hug

ohmyfreakinggosh!

now those of you that know me, know that i do not cook, i bake. my newest discovery is this amazing recipe for Pineapple Upside-down Cake! it is heavenly. i asked my friend heather the food critic what she would rate it, and she unabashedly exclaimed 5 STARS!

therefore, INGREDIENTS:

1. 6 ounces unsalted butter (i used salted, it really doesn't matter)
   
2. 1 cup dark brown sugar
3. 1/2 fresh pineapple, peeled, halved lengthwise, cored and cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
4. 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
5. 2 teaspoons baking powder
6. 1/2 cup granulated sugar
7. 1/2 teaspoon salt
8. 1 large egg
9. 1/2 cup milk

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch round cake pan (my pan is heart shaped tee hee) with unflavored cooking spray.
   
2. Melt 1 stick of the butter and set aside.
3. In a small saucepan, melt the remaining 4 tablespoons of butter with the brown sugar over medium heat, about 3 minutes. Spread the butter-and-sugar mixture in the bottom of the prepared cake pan. Distribute the pineapple slices evenly over the mixture and set the pan aside.
4. In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. In a medium bowl, beat together the egg, milk and the reserved melted butter. Stir the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients until well combined; the batter will be thick. Using a rubber spatula, scoop the batter into the cake pan, spreading it until it reaches the sides of the pan.
5. Bake the cake until the top is golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 30 to 35 minutes.
6. Let the cake cool for 15 minutes. (i know it's hard, you'll understand when you smell the smell, but you should actually wait, it gives the sugarbutter time to cool and harden into the yummy crust) Place a serving plate over the cake pan and invert. Slowly lift off the pan and serve.

AND THE END RESULT:
completely irresistible. i'm not even kidding.

youth

about 4 years ago, my nephew came to me while i was taking a nap (three years old, looking about this cute) and started jumping up and down on my bed, talking about flying. about the places he would fly, and the things he would see. groggy, i said to him "saige, i don't think people can fly." he stopped jumping for a few seconds to say, in the cutest three-year old voice possible, "well...well i can!"

*sigh*

kix float. so when you're mixing cereals, you have to pour them in last. otherwise your cereal tends to float to the top when you pour the milk and spills everywhere.

tired

sometimes when i wake up in the middle of the night i find myself talking to myself. sometimes in random british, or scottish accents. tonight i sat up, 80% awake, and was talking about something, (i can't remember what) in a distinct southern drawl. i worried for a moment that these new kendra-isms might actually be symptoms of something serious, like schezophrenia or something. (still 20% asleep mind you) and so i said to myself "whats your name" and when the reply came "kendra" i was relieved.

RANT

sooo i was really angry, and my face got all hot and my ears turned red while i was doing this video. and there's a weird echo in my room. *sigh* but i feel a little better.

my first video!

sooo i was super bored, and just playing with my mac, when i discovered that i can make videos. this is actually my third video, and i still sort of stink at it. there's a weird echo/repeat thing at the end of each little...chapter. i don't know why. ::shrugs:: and really i made this so forrest could bear witness to my strange and interesting mannerisms. to show him that i'm really not that adorable. more like really irritating. alas, along came Ike. i hate ike. AND the video is kind of crud anyway. oh well. sigh. it still makes me laugh at myself.

crazy/beautiful

sometimes i feel crazy. like seriously. i spell out words i hear, or see, with my big toe. people don't really notice, and if they do, they tend to just think i'm fidgity, but its like an obsessive compulsive thing. i don't have as many of those as i used to. i eat things in even numbers. like m&m's. if there is just one left at the end of the bag, i give it to someone else or throw it away. i make lists compulsively. especially when i'm nervous. when i went in for my very first grown-up doctor's appointment, i made a list of all the things i could think of that make up a person's individual smell. as follows:

Things That Determine Your Smell
1. perfume/cologne
2. laundry detergent
3. fabric softener
4. shampoo/contditioner
5. body wash
6. soap
7. deodorant
8. air fresheners
9. city vs. country
10. home materials (old wood, or new lumber etc.)
11. pets
12. lotions
13. body odor!
14. heat/air conditioning
15. cleaning products
16. how often you clean
17. hair spray/gel
18. hobbies (swimming/gardening etc)
19. the water you bathe in/drink

thats all i got, cuz then they called me back, but as you can see, it's a bit of an obsession, my list-making. and maybe those are just some of my eccentricities, things that make me all the more loveable. but most of the time i really do feel crazy. being LDS, and having no other real aspirations other than to marry, have children, and raise them. not so much that fact, as telling people and "the look" that you get sometimes. and when i go out in a good mood, people smile at me like i'm something funny. *sigh* and now i'm on some medications to make me a little more predictable, and so sometimes trying to remember that i could be a lot more crazy just isn't enough to make me feel better. i suppose that is why i have postsecret.

i'm not exactly sure why this secret spoke to me so strongly, but it was as if the sender was talking about ME! i was so touched that i stopped and stared at it for a few minutes. it made my jaw drop, and i actually started to cry a little bit. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i really am quite crazy, or maybe it's that it was a heartfelt, handwritten secret, from someone who really truly loves this other crazy-someone, and truly thinks she's a beautiful person, and that is amazing! she's so lucky! and she might as well be me, for how many friends i have despite my crazy!
anywhooo, no matter what my strange reasoning was, here is it. a secret that changed my mood, changed my day, changed my life in some way.

I Hate Ike

That's all for now.

things that irritate me

1. when people chew gum like cows
2. when people drive slow in the fast lane
3. waiting
4. brussel sprouts
5. watching only the first half of a movie or a show (missing bits)
6. when good guys turn out actually to be bad guys :-\
7. being hot

Things That Make Me Happy
1. rainbows
2. filet mignon
3. a boy
4. trees
5. photgraphs
6. wind chimes
7. galoshes
8. the number 8
9. that my "i like list" is much longer than my "irritates me" list
10. there's more but i'm bored now.

bluh

so, i was bored. and i trrrried to make a movie. and it wouldn't upload. so, whatev. i'm in a bit of a crap mood. i havent talked to the mister today, OR yesterday, which bums me out. but i know he's a smarty pants, and busy with school and things. which is good. pfffft. also there was a hurricane. he's busy with post-hurricane busy stuff. i've suddenly realized that i am that girl that talks about her boyfriend all the time. thats so lame. shame on me.

unfortunately thats all i got. maybe i'll think of something to write a little later when i'm in a better mood. <3

insomnia

so, i was having panic attacks, along with a myriad of other issues, only some of which can be considered psychological. long story short, i am trying out a medication that has cost me my ability to sleep. it's not that i'm not tired. oh no. but i slip into the familiar, comfortable cocoon that is my bed, with my hand-made quilt with its soft fringed edges, and i lie there. and i turn over and i lie there. and the bed that was a comfortable relief at twelve thirty becomes like a sentence. i start to feel trapped, and i am hot and no matter how i lie, i cannot stay comfortable, or cool, for more than three minutes. until i find myself thrashing and tangled in the covers, so frustrated with myself that i throw them off at five thirty in the morning and turn the lights back on. i can't sleep.

whats up with that? sleep and i are pals. good friends. we used to spend a lot of time together. no, seriously. if sleep were a person i would marry him. and now he's over there, ::points:: hangin' out with Absolute Zero, Perfection, and my unborn children. things we think exist, but may never quite be able to reach. i'm sorry that analogy (metaphor?) sucks, it's five thirty in the morning and i havent slept in three days.

in that light, i will make a new list. because it is what i do to ease the anxiety. so!

movies you should never see
1. Teeth- just trust me on this one. this movie will make you want to never watch a movie ever again. (it is the only movie in the history of movies that i have ever stopped watching because it was so awful.)
2. Georgia Rule- two words "beefy popcorn" because thats what entertained my friends and i while this movie was playing. the strange tasting popcorn that out of desperation and boredom we started THROWING AT EACH OTHER.
3. spiderman three- i don't care what kind of pheremones you are putting out, any scrawny guy with bad hair that walks around town doing pelvic thrusts at random girls thinking he is a bad a. cannot be an effective bad guy. i'm sorry. you lose.

thats all i got folks. that was actually really hard for me. i think my brain is broken.

nap

"and please remember me, as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior"

-the trapeze swinger, iron and wine